t 


PS 511 
.E225 
B6 
1919 
Copy 1 


BOBBY 

WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 



PUBLISHED BY 

■ THE NELFELD PLAY CO. 

EFFINGHAM, ILL. 







BOBBY 

WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 


A PLAY IN THREE ACTS 

BY 

JOSEPH A. FELDHAKE 



PUBLISHED BY 
THE NELFELD PLAY CO. 
EFFINGHAM, ILL. 





This Play is Dedicated to the Memory 

of my Brother 

Otto J . Feldhake 

Who Died While Serviry 
His Country 



©CI.D 5 0 one 




\ 


I 


CAST OF CHARACTERS 

MRS. CATHERINE SLOCUM, who adopts a hoy -—defined Elderly 


ROBERT SLOCUM, her adopted son Juvenilis, 

WILLIAM, also known as ‘^Shorty*^ Juvenilu 

JULIUS, also known as “Skinny” Juvenile 

MISS DOROTHY DREW, sometimes a detective Straight 

POLLY BRIGHT, Mrs. Slocum’s maid SoubrettB 

GEORGE FERGUSON, alias “Smooth Eddie” Crook 

ACT I. — Mrs. Slocum’s Lawn. Morning. 

ACT. II. — Same as Act I. Afternoon. 

ACT III. — Bobby’s Room. Night. 

■ Time — The present. 

THE CHARACTERS 


MRS. SLOCUM. — About thirty-five years of age, tali, and oi 
a commanding appearance. Refined and educated. She makess 
great sacrifices for Bobby’s sake, and her failure is due to misin- 
formation on methods of rearing a boy. But she is big enough tp 
recognize and admit her mistake and adopt correct principled 
This character gives opportunity for good acting, as Mrs. Slocum*s 
adherence to her false principles keep her at varience with others 
and with her ovm better sense. 

MISS DREW. — Aged about twenty-five. Accomplished ana 
efficient. A well-dressed young lady from the city. She is sociabfe 
and agreeable. Knows boy psychology to such an extent that shP^ 
is even able to make them enjoy digging potatoes. 

POLLY — Aged about eighteen. Bright and good-natured«. 
Neatly dressed. Mrs. Slocum holds her do^vn, but cannot dampeti 
her spirits. She is a victim to Mrs. Slocum’s rigid ideas, and’ 
demonstrates that a girl needs an understanding and sympathetic 
treatment as much as does a boy. 

FERGUSON. — Any age from twenty to thirty. Very much 
satisfied with himself, and an admirer of his own cleverness, bat 
much to the delight of the audience he is made the tool and dupe 
of Polly and Miss Drew. 

BOBBY, SHORTY AND SKINNY.— Just ordinary boys, aged 
from ten to thirteen. Must not be dressed in their best clothes^ 
nor hair too carefully combed, although Bobby is a trifie better 
dressed and uses better language than his companions. Bobby is 
the unhappy and unwilling victim of Mrs. Slocum’s boy raising- 
experiment, and being a red blooded boy there is trouble. Shorty_, 
who must be smaller than the other two, is a delightful boy chaiv 
acter. His very appearance on the stage will delight the audiencP. 
Skinny is a different type boy than either Bobby or Shorty. He is 
a “follow” boy in contrast to Shorty who is a leader, and Bobl^ 
who is a rebel. The audience will like Skinny for his bright re- 
partee and his willingness to stand by his friends. 


V 


Copyrighted 1911) by Joseph A. Feldhake 

I 

PRICE PER COPY, 25 CENTS 
ROYALTY FEE, $5.00 FOR 
EACH AND EVERY PERFORMANCE 

(lAUTION. —Amateurs and professionals are hereby warned that “Bobby 
What’s His-Name,’’ being fully protected under the copyright laws of 
the United States, is subject to royalty, and any one presenting the play, 
in whole or in part, under its present title or any other title, without 
the consent of the author or his authorized agent, wdll be liable to the 
penalties by law provided. ‘Application for the riy^ht to produce “Bobby 
\Vh .t’s-His-Name” must be made to THE NELFELDPLAY CO., EEF- 
INOHAM, ILL. 

ALL RlGHiS RESERVED BY 
THE AUTHOR 


Bobby Whafs-His-Name 


THE FIRST ACT 

{Lawn of Mrs. Slocum’s country home. It is morning of a beauti- 
ful summer clay. At the right is the porch of the residence^ 
about two or three ste^js higher than the floor of the 

stage, railing around j)07'ch and bannister down steps. No 

action takes place on porch, so it can and should be set ivell 

back omd hidden more or less by sJumbbery and floivers. At 
left of stage there is a wicker table amd tivo chairs, one a rock- 
er, which is left of table. Garden curtain at back, wood wings 
071 left side of stage, and foliage borders overhead. At back 
of stage, in center, there is an U7m containing flowers 

and overhanging vines.) 

(At rise of curtain Mrs. Slocum enters from house, stands on 
porch steps a 7noment, and looks in all directions.) 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Calls.) Robert. (Pause, then calls more 
loudly.) Robert Slocum. (Pauses for reply, then ivalks hurinedly 
to left tipper entraiice, looks off, then calls very loud- 
ly, with her voice pitched to cai'i'y a great distance.) Bob-B-E-E. 

POLLY — (Enters from house with artn full of tnagazines, 
writing material, and dust-cloth.) Wiere do you want these things, 
Mrs. Slocum? 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Comes doivn Ze/i.)... .Right over here by the 
table (As Polly crosses stage.). ...Where do you suppose that boy 
could have disappeared to so quickly? 

POLLY — (Places magazines and ivriting tnaierial on chair.) 
I am sure I don’t know. He was here but a moment ago. (Turns 
to Mrs. Slocum.) Did you get that one? Another rhyme. 

MRS. SLOCUM — I am not ihterested in your rhymes, as you 
call them. (Takes dust-cloth atid uses 07% table and chairs.) Un- 
less I keep my eyes on that boy every minute of the day, he disap- 
pears before I know it. When did you see him last ? 

POLLY — About eight or half-past. 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Sternly) Polly, how often have I asked yem 
not to make rhymes when' replying to me. I don’t care to be in- 
cluded in your rhyme-making. 

POLLY — I’ll try not to, Mrs. Slocum. But sometimes they 
come out of me without thinking. Mr. Snow says — 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Quickly) When did you see Mr. Snow? 


6 


BOBBY WHAT’S-mS-NAME 

POLLY — Last Sunday at church. I cannot help it if young 
men speak to me, can I? He asked to call again. 

MRS. SLOCUM — I suppose you told him what I thought of the 
idea of young girls keeping company. 

POLLY — Yes’m. But I don’t see why you wont let me have a 
beau like other girls. 

MRS. SLOCUM — You are too young for such foolishness. 

POLLY — I am eighteen. 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Shortly) Wait a year or two longer. 

POLLY — Can’t he even take me buggy riding? 

MRS. SLOCUM— No. 

POLLY — I don’t see what you have against him. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Not a thing. On the contrary, I think he 
grades a bit better than the average young man in these parts. But 
if you continue to make your home here with me, you might as well 
forget about the boys until you are older. Now go in the house and 
get a center-piece for this table. 

POLLY — (Surprised') A center-piece too. I don’t see why you 
make so much fuss over this new boarder. 

MRS. SLOCUM — She is used to these things. Besides she has 
paid two weeks in advance. 

POLLY — What’s the use of going to so much trouble when she 
has already paid you 

MRS. SLOCUM — Polly, you were bora and raised out here In 
the country and therefore cannot understand what a trial it is for 
me, after what I have been accustomed to, to live here year after 
year and have no one to associate with except people of inferior 
education like my neighbors. That is why I am making tiling.^? 
pleasant for Miss Drev/. It’s a positive relief to be able to con- 
verse with someone of education and refinement, someone whose, 
interests are above cows and pigs, and the common neighborhood 
gossin. 

POLLY — (Mischieviously.) I feel just like you do about it, 
Mrs. Slocum, and will sure enjoy conversing with Miss Drew — for 
a change. 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Coldly) I fear you and Miss Drew will find 
very little in common. What do you know about art, literature, 
music, the stage, and important questions of the day? 

POLLY — Nothing. Nothing at all. Young ladies have more 
interesting things to discuss. 

MRS. SLOCUM— For instance— 

POLLY — The latest styles in clothes — also things like love and 
beaus — 

MRS. SLOCUM — Silly rot. We are wasting time — hurry and 
get that center-piece, also bring the vase standing on the mantle 
in the parlor. I am going to pick some flowers.. 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 7 

POLLY — 111 go full speed and get what you need. (Runs to 
porch and turns.) Did you hear that one, Mrs. Slocum. They 
come out of me just as easy. (Exit,) 

(Mrs, Slocum picks up sprinkling can and goes to flowers at front 
of porch. Imitation of a locomotive whistle is heard off 
left. Mrs. Slocum stands and looks back in surprise. Whis- 
tle is repeated much nearer, and a moment later Shorty 
enters L. U. E. on the min. He has a basket hanging on left 
arm, and ivith right arm he describes circle, which is supposed 
to represent drive ivheel of a locomotive.) 

SHORTY — (as he comes doivn stage) Ding-dong, ding-dong, 
ding-dong. (He stops at the side of Mrs. Slocum) S-s-s-s-s-s-s. 
(Imitation of air-break release.) Here are these plums you said you 
wanted, Mrs. SJocum.. (Hands her the basket). 

MRS. SLOCUM — Good gracious, William, what do you repre- 
sent today? The Limited Express. 

SHORTY — Yes’m. Ma said you were in a hurry for those 
plums, so I thought I would bring them by train. That beats 
walking. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Some day you will imagine you are a bird, 
and try to fly. (Goes up steps.) 

SHORTY — Some day I am going to flx up something and try 
it. 

MRS. SLOCUM — (quickly) V/illiam! Don’t you ever try to 
fly. You’ll break a limb as sure as you are alive, (exit.) 

SHORTY — Break a limb! (Looks up.) ’Fraid I’ll spoil her 

old trees, I guess (crosses to table, and offers himself the rockmg 

chair at left of table.) Have the rocker Mr. Jones. (Picks maga- 
zine out of chair and seats himself.) Thank you, Mrs. Slocum. 
I don’t care if I do. (Crosses his legs, and leafs through magazine. 
Reads.) ‘‘How to raise a boy to be a gentleman” by Miss Susan 
Eflington. Miss Efflngton. Wonder what she knows about raising 
a boy. (Enter Polly with center-piece and vase. Sets vase on 
table.) Ah, thank you for the buttermilk. (Drinks out of vase.) 

POLLY — (Taking vase from him.) Here, stop your foolishness. 
Last week you thought you were a famous surgeon, and performed 
operations on Mrs. Slocum’s chickens. The week before you thought 
you were a famous painter, and made the bam look like a big circus 
wagon. What do you imagine you are today? 

BOBBY — I’m Mrs. Slocum’s new boarder. 

POLLY — (arranging center-piece on table. ) Well, you are not 
.so get out of that chair. 

BOBBY — (Stands) Say. Polly, what’s she like, anyway? 

POLLY — Oh, she’s from New York, I don’t know just what 
she does, but her brother, who is fighting in France, is an actor, and 


8 BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 

she has all his things with her. They’re out in the summer Idtclien, 
in a big trunk. 

BOBBY — Wiat kind of things ? 

POLLY” — All kinds of fine clothes, and beards, and Vvigs, and 
everything. 

MRS. SLOCUM — {Enters from house,) tiere’s your basket, 
William. Tell your mother I will pay her for the plums the first 
time I see her. {busies herself toith floivers on porch. Shorty has 
gone to center to take basket.) 

SHORTY — Ma said if you wanted to pay me, they are worth 
fifteen cents. 

MRS. SLOCUM — No, it would just be placing temiptation in 
your way if I paid you the money. Besides Miss Susan Effington 
says that little boys don’t know the value of money. Have you 
seen Robert Slocum this morning, V/illiam? 

SHORTY— No’m. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Well if you had I don’t suppose jmu would 
tell me. If you see him tell him to come home immediately. It’s 
time for his practice hour on the piano. 

SHORTY — {Surprised) Gee, Bobby has never told me that he 
could play the piano. 

MRS. SLOCUM — He can’t yet, and sometimes I think he never 
will learn to play. But Miss Susan Effington says that to be a gen- 
tleman, a boy should be taught all the refined accomplishments. 

SHORTY — Is Bobby going to be a gentleman, too? 

MRS. SLOCUM — {severely) Now you run along home. 

SHORTY — {as he slowly gets his engine started) Choo — choo — 
choo — choo — choo — choo — choo. {stops at L. U. E. and turns.) 
Say, Mrs. Slocum, can Bobby go fishing with me this afternoon? 

MRS. SLOCLUvI — He certainly cannot. Aren’t you bad boys 
ashamed of ycurselvrs, to hook those poor little fish in the mouth 
and pull them out of the water. Don’t you think that a hsh has 
f celings too ? 

SHORTY' — Oh that don’t hurt the fish. They like it. 

MRS. SLOCUM — How' do you know they like it? 

SHORTY — Because wffien you pull them out of the w^ater they 
just wag their tails like everything, {exit) Choo-choo-choo-choo- 
choo. 

{Mrs, Slocum throws up her arms in despair. Enter froin 
house Miss Dorothy Dreio.) 

MRS. SLOCUM — Good morning, Miss Drew. I hope you en- 
joyed your night’s rest. {Goes to left of stage.) Take this rock- 
ing chair. Now make yourself right at home here. Here are maga- 
zines and writing material, and if there is anything else you want 
we will try to get it for you. 

’ MISS DREW — {seating herself m rocker) Thank you. This 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 9 

is very nice. I am sure I will spend most of my time right here 
under the trees. It is delightful out here in the country — so quiet. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Yes, it is very quiet out here in the country, 
and hardly ever anything happens,^ and I wouldn’t remain here an- 
other day were it not for Robert. 

MISS DREW— Your son? 

MRS. SLOCUM — Yes. He is really an adopted son. 

MISS DREW — You prefer the country on account of his health, 
I suppose? 

- MRS. SLOCUM — Partly that. Also to protect him from bad 
influences which he would be more likely to meet in a city. Robert 
is only twelve now, and as soon as he has finished the grade schools 
here it is my intentions to move to the city where he can take ad- 
vantage of the superior educational facilities. By the v/ay, if you 
wish anything from the village, Robert will gladly get it for you. 

MI SS DREW — Thank you, I will remember it. Was there any 
mail for me this morning? 

MRS. SLOCUM — {going) Oh yes, I had forgotten it. (stops at 
porch) I will send the letters out with Polly, (exit.) 

MISS DREW — (musingly) An adopted son she said. I must 
find out more about him before I leave. 

(Settles herself more comfortably and leafs through magazine.) 

POLLY — (Enters from house, reading inscription on envelope as 
she walks across stage. Stops at table.) Here’s your mail. (Reads 
name) Miss Dorothy Drew. (Hands mail to Miss Lh^etv.) 

MISS DREW — (Amused.) Thank you. You have me at a 
disadvantage. 

POLLY — (Surprised tone.) Have I? (Pause) What — what 
did you say? 

MLSS DREW — (Smiling) I mean, you have the best of me. 
You sec, you know my name now, but I don’t know yours. 

POLLY — Oh yes — well (Looks back at house first, then takes 
envelope from waist) Read that. 

MISS DREW — (Obligingly takes eyivelope and reads) Miss Polly 
Bright. I’m glad to know you Polly. 

POLLY — Look where it’s from. 

MISS DREW — (Reads Postmark) New York. 

POLLY — Yes, same place you’re from, aint it? > 

MISS DREW— Yes. 

POLLY — (Bashfully) The letter’s from a young man. 

MISS DREW — (Joking) You have a brother in New Y^ork? 

POLLY — (Disgusted)^ 2 iW . What would my brother be wanting 
to vrrite to me for? (Looking a/round, coming closer, then coiv- 
fidentially) Have you lived in New York long? 

MISS DREW— Most of my life. 

POLLY — Then perhaps you know a young man by the name 


10 BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 

of Georg'e Ferguson. 

MISS DREW — {Amused) .George Fergaison? Let me see. 
(Thinks) Fm awfully sorry, but I don’t believe I know him. What 
does he look like? 

POLLY — How should I know ? I have never seen him. 

MISS DREW — Have never seen him? 

POLLY^ — (Di$appointed) Shucks. I was hoping you’d know 
him, because he’s coming here today, and it ^vould be so nice for 
him to find someone here he already knew. 

MISS DREW — (Not interested. Opening her mail.) Coming 
here on a visit? 

I'OLLY — Yes, to see me. (Takes chair at right of table. )But 
don’t say anything about it, because Mrs. Slocum would have a fit 
if she knev/ I had a strange young man coming to see me. 

MISS DREW — How did you become acquainted ? 

POLLY — You see, it’s this way. I put an ad in one of those 
papers printed by a matrimonial bureau — of course I didn’t want 
to get married — that is, not that Vvay — I put the ad in just for a 
joke you knovq so I would have someojie to correspond with. This 
Mr. Ferguson answered my advertisement, and we have been cor- 
responding ever since. (Giggling) He thinks I’m rich. 

MISS DREW’’ — (Becoming interested again) That’s pretty 
good. So he is coming today to see you ? 

POLLY — Yes, this afternoon. I didn’t want him to come, but 
he is coming anyway, and I am a little bit afraid. I didn’t think 
it would ever come to this. He wanted me to send him some money 
to pay bis fare — said he had some bad luck and was (Quickly draivs 
out another letter omcI reads) tem-po-ra-ri-ly em-bar-rassed. But 
I told him that Mrs. Slocum keeps mine and Bobby’s money in her 
safe in the house, and I couldn’t get at it. So now he is coming 
anyway. And I don’t know what to do about it. 

MISS DREW — If you don’t mind, let’s go over this again. It 
sounds rather interesting. He is under the impression that you are 
rich you say. (Polly says yes.) He asked you to send him some 
money. Then you wrote him that you couMn’t because your’s as 
well as Bobby’s money was kept in Mrs. Slocum’s safe and you 
couldn’t get at it. Is that right. (Polly assents.) And now he 
has decided to come anyw^'ay. Well, well. If I were you, Polly, I 
believe I wouldn’t have much to do with this Mr. Ferguson imtil 
you know more about him. 

POLLY" — What is a person going to do when a fellow' comes 
whether you want him to or not? 

MISS DREW — Will you not find it difficult to entertain him 
without Mrs. Slocum being aware of it? 

POLLY — He has that pait of it aimanged all light. He will 
ask Mrs. Slocum to take him in as a boarder — he saj’s he can jiersu- 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 11 

ade her to let him stay even if she did not wish to take any more 
boarders — and of course Mrs. Slocum wouldn’t know that v/e were 
already acquainted. {Giggling) Gee, Mrs. Slocum would go 
straight up in the air if she knew that we were engaged. 

MISS DREW— Engaged ? 

POLLY — Well no, not exactly engaged. {Giggling) And won^t 
Mr. Ferguson be mad when when he finds out that I was only fool- 
ing. 

MISS DREW— Polly! Polly! 

POLLY — I was having so much fun. Look at all the letters 
I got from him. {Shoivs eight or ten letters and holds them in her 
hand during following conversation,) And now he has to come and 
spoil it all. I wish I had never put that advertisement in the matri- 
monial exchange. 

MISS DREW — It may turn out all right. We’ll look him over 
when he comes. Perhaps I have met him some time or another and 
it has slipped my memory. I meet quite a few people in my work. 

POLLY — What kind of work do you do? 

MISS DREW — I am a stenographer for one thing, also a 
trained nurse. I have also another occupation at times, which is 
really a secret, but since you have seen fit to confide in me, I will 
reciprocate by confiding to you that sometimes I am employed by a 
private detective bureau. 

POLLY — A detective. {Wide-eyed) Then those whiskers and 
things in the tmnk — 

MISS DREW — {Highly amused) No, no, Polly. Never wore a 
disguise in my life. Those belong to my brother. There is other 
detective work to do outside of hunting criminals. For instance, no 
matter what my occupation may be for the time being, or where L 
may be at, I am always on the look-out for a lost boy. 

POLLY — Kidnapped. 

MISS DREW — No, I think not. You see — 

MRS. SLOCUM — {Appearing on porch, and calling sharply) 
Polly. {Polly jumps as if shot^ dropping letters on floor,) I 
wouldn’t bother Miss Dre\v if I were you. 

MISS DREW — Oh, she’s not bothering me, Mrs. Slocum. 

POLLY — {Has hurriedly gathered u]? letters. She overlooks 
one,) No, Mrs. Slocum, we found much in common to speak of, 
didn’t we Miss Drew? 

MISS DREW — Indeed. We became quite confidential. 

MRS. SLOCUM — {Severely) But Polly is neglecting her work. 
{Exit,) 

POLLY’ — (As she crosses stage) That’s something I never 
shirk. {Stops suddenly on porch and turns to Miss Drew,) Did 
you hear that one? Another rhyme. I’m a born poetess. {Exit,) 


12 BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 

(Miss Drew sees envelope on floor, picks it uj), and 

peers inside.) 

MISS DREW — (Glancing towards house) A Photograph. Ill 
just take a quick peek at this Mr. Ferguson, (quickly removes 
photograph, it is unmounted, and looks at it. Her face shows de- 
lighted recognition,) Why hello. I know you. But you don’t 
know me, which is luck. And your real name isn’t Ferguson, either. 
I’ll just keep my eye on you old fellow. (Replaces photograph in 
envelope, and places envelope in a magazine.) 

(Enter Bobby L. U. E., hands in 'pockets, hat on back of head. He 

is ivhistlmg diligently , and ivalks down to front of stage, cen- 
ter, before he notices Miss Dreiv.) 

MISS DREW— How do you do. 

BOBBY" — Hello. I know who you are. You’re our new boarder. 

MISS DREW — Yes. And you are Robert I suppose. 

BOBBY — That’s what mother calls me, but Polly, and Skinny 
and Shorty call me Bobby, and v>'lien I get big my name will be Bob, 
and I am going to be either an engineer on the railroad or an 
aviator. 

MISS DREW— V/on’t that be lovely. 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Appearing on porch. Severely,) Robert 
Slocum, where have ydu been all morning. 

BOBBY^ — No place. 

MRS. SLOCUM — That is not tme of course. Where are your 
hands? (He quickly pulls them out of his pockets, at the same 
time pulling out some twine which hangs to the floor.) Young 
gentlemen usually remove their hat when in the presence of ladies. 
(He rehioves his.) What is that hanging out of your pocket? 

BOBBY^ — (Looks and crams twine back in pocket.) Nothing. 

MRsS. SLOCUM — Remove the contents and hand them to me. 

BOBBY" — You are not going to keep them are you? 

MRS. SLOCUM — We’ll see. (Holds out hand) Come (Bobby 
rc7noves one article oA a time and places in Mrs. Slocum* s hands.) 

MRS. SLOCUM — A broken pocket knife. Ball of twine. A 
brass door knob. Well I declare An old dirty tin whistle. An ap- 
ple. A fish-hook. Young man, don’t you dare go fishing. What’s 
inside this small paste-board box? 

BOBBY — The biggest pinching bug you ever saw. Take a 
look at him, mother. 

MRS. SLOCUM — I’ll be likely to. (Places articles on porch.) 
Where in the world did you get all this trash ? 

BOBBY — Traded Shorty an old broken pistol for them. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Robert. I’m ashamed of you. Why do you 
always associate with, such low boys. How often haven’t I asked 
you to make a companion of little Reginald Percival. He’s always 


13 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 

a perfect little gentleman. 

BOBBY — He^s a regular little sissy. I can’t go him. Always 
wears his Sunday clothes, always talks so nicey-nice, can’t play ball, 
won’t go swimming, or fishing, or nothing, If that ain’t enough, 
Skinny told me that he has lace on his underwear. 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Shocked) Robert Slocum. Will you be still. 
Now you go in, have Polly brush your clothes, and your hair — 

BOBBY — Avr, don’t you suppose I can brush my own hair. 

MRS. SLOCUM — All right. Then practice an hour on the 
piano. 

BOBBY" — Must I practice on that old piano again. Mother, 1 
don’t want to learn to play the piano. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Now hush. I know what’s best for you. And 
from now on you will have to quit associating wdth those two boys. 

BOBBY’^ — But mother, it’s the only boys around here that I 
can have any fun with. 

MRS. SLOCUM — They’re rough boys, always into some mis- 
chief, and they have a bad influence on you. I know what is best 
for 3^ou, Robert. Now run in the house and practice an hour. 

BOBBY^ — (Goes sloivly to porch and turns) Mother, if I prac- 
tice a whole hour, can I go fishing with Skinny and Shorty. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Y^ou certainly cannot go fisliing with William 
and Julius, today or at any time hereafter. 

(Bohhy exits sloivly) 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Shaking her head and seating herself at ta-' 
ble ivith a sigh,) Miss Drew, you don’t know what a responsibility 
it is to raise a boy so he vdll be a credit to himself when he is grown 
up. 

MISS DREW— Your onlv child? 

MRS. SLOCUM — Yes, — and as I have already told you, he is 
really an adopted son. I guess there is no use trying to conceal it 
an\' longer, since he himself has discovered the truth. 

MISS DREW — Then you have no children of ^^our own? 

MRS. SLOCUM — No I married young and my husband died 
within a year. I never married again, — not that I didn’t have op- 
portunities. 

MISS DREW — I can well beMeve that. 

MRS. SLOCUM — I taught school for a number of years. Then 
I became interested in a department which appeared in my favorite 
magazine, which was conducted by Miss Susan Effington. This de- 
partment was devoted to the care and the bringing up of children, 
especially boys. Miss Susan Effington explained how to raise a boy 
scientificafly. She said that if a boy is properly trained, instead of 
allowing him to engage in the rough sports, such as base ball, fish- 
ing, etc., and his energies directed to the more refined accomplish- 
ments, such as music, painting — 


14 


BOBBY ^WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 

MISS DREW — {Joking) And crocheting, I suppose. 

MRS. SLOCUM — {Shortly,) She didn’t mention crocheting.. 
(Then continues as before,) But as I was saying, Miss Efiington 
explained that if a boy’s energies are directed properly, there is no 
reason why he shouldn’t be a little gentleman at all times. 

MISS DREW — So you wished to try the experiment? 

MRS. SLOCUM — Yes. I had no relatives whatever, except a 
small nephew of mine named Louis Peepvogel — let me think — yes 
I think that is correct — Peepvogel — it always was hard for me to re- 
member that name. For a time I was much interested in him, but 
he died — poor fellow. 

MISS DREW — That left you all alone in the world. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Yes. So I decided to adopt a boy, raise him 
as my ovm according to Miss Effington’s teachings. To keep him 
from ever knowing different, I left my old home and came to this 
place, where we were unknovm and no one could tell him the truth. 

MISS DREW — I see. The people here think he is your own 

son. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Yes, that was the idea. But somehow just 
recently someone learned that Robert was only an adopted son, and 
now the whole village knows. Of course one of those bad boys — I 
think it was the one they call Shorty — told Bobby, and now he won’t 
rest until he learns his true name. (Sadly) I had hoped that he 
would grow up to be a fine man, and go through life thinking I was 
his ovm mother. 

MISS DREW— That’s too bad. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Yes, especially after I have taken so much 
pains to raise him better than most people do. Not that I am suc- 
ceeding very well — sometimes I feel like giving up in despair. I 
followed instructions exactly as printed in the magazine from the 
time 1 got him — he was about three then — I tried to feed him ac- 
cording to certain mles, make him sleep certain number of hours a 
day, and as he became oider I arranged his studies, his working 
hours, his hours for recreation, etc. But it was very discouraging 
from the start. 

MISS DREW — You mean he din’t care about rules and regula- 
tions. 

MRS. SLOCUM — He paid no attention to them whatever. Take 
for instance the lule saving a chiM shouldn’t eat between meals. 
That boy will eat all day. I can’t imagine how he does it. He eats 
tvdee as much as I do, and I am nearly twice his size. 

MISS DREW — (Joking) Perhaps Robert isn’t as little on the 
inside as he appears to be from the outside. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Now you are joking Miss Drew, and this is a 
serious matter to me. Fearing that he had a tape-worm, I took him 
to the village doctor, but he said all boys were like that. I am 


BOBBY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 15 


thinking about taking him to a specialist in the city. He might be 
able to relieve him of that perpetual hunger. Don't' you think so, 
Miss Drew? 

MISS DREW — I don’t know anything about that, but I do 
know that he’ll relieve you of your money. 

MRS. SLOCUM — I don’t know what to do about it. And he’s 
£.'0 peculiar about his recreations. Do you suppose he would sit 
down quietly in the afternoon and practice on the piano, or read a 
good book like “Alice in Wonderland.” No, he would rather chase 
around down by the creek wdth those rough companions of his, and 
a cur dog named Fido, that has a thousand fleas. 

MISS DRPIW — {Laughmg) Tliat makes a pretty large compa- 
ny — counting the fleas. 

MRS. SLOCUM — He gets so dirty, and his clothes {throws up 
hands) he wears out twice as much clothes as I do. 

MISS DREW — Excuse me for asking, but where did you get 
Bobby ? 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Stands up) No, that is one thing I v/ill never 
tell to anyone. I am sorry that Robeii: knows that he is an adopted 
child, but he nor anyone else vdll ever know where he came from or 
who his parents were. With all his faults I love that boy, I am 
always going to consider him as my own, and hope that some 
day he will forget, or become reconciled to the name of Slocum, 
and wlien he becomes a man will appreciate \vhat I have tried to do 
for him and think of me as his o^vn mother. 

MISS DREW — (Arising) Mrs. Slocum, I am sure he will ap- 
preciate your good intentions. Besides, sometimes it is as well that 
a boy does not know anything about his ancestors. 

IMRS. SLOCUP/I — (Quickly) No, it is not that, Robert need 
ne\'er be ashamed of his parents. But excuse me for taking up 
your time with my talk. 

MISS DREW — Not at all. I was thinking about taking a walk 
through your orchard. (Looks left) Does that path lead there? 

MRS. SLOCI'M — Y^es. If you don’t mind I vdll accompany 


you. 

MISS DREW — I’ll be glad to have you along. 

MRS. SLOCUM — I’ll get your parasol. (Exit in house,) 

MISS DREW — (Gathering up her letters ^ and looking after 
Mrs. Slocum.) It could be possible that this is the boy who is being 
sought by the Sisters of St. Anne’s convent. I must get a telegram 
to my chief for particulars. (Sits at table and writes.) 


(Enter Skinny L, U. E. on bicycle. Dismounts front center.) 

MRS. SLOCUM— (Enters,) What is it, Julius. 

SKINNY— Where’s Bobby? 

MRS. SLOCUM — Robeif has his practice on the piano. Did 


16 BOBBY^ WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 

you Vvush to see him? 

SKINNY — I want to show him my new bicycle. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Robert is busy today, so run along home. 
MISS DREW — {Sealing message in envelope.) I wonder if 
this young man would not like to take a telegram to the village for 
me. 

SKINNY— Sure, I’ll take it. 

MISS DREW — {Gives him envelope.) Take this to the tele- 
graph office at once, and you may keep the change out of this dol- 
lar. {Gives him money.) 

SKINNY — {Examines envelope critically) About how much 
does a telegram like this cost? 

MISS DREV/ — That one ought not be more than 50c. 

SKINNY — Wheel And I can keep all the change? {She nods 
Shinny starts to leave, hesitates, then asks) Will you have any 
more to send? 

MISS DREW — I might. There will probably be a reply to that 
some time this afternoon. You can bring that to me. Let’s see.. 
What is your name ? 

SKINNY — eJules Johnson. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Now, now. Your name is Julius, isn’t it. 
SKINNY — No, it’s not Julius. If your name was Bill, 
would you like to be called Billions? {Trundles wheel up to left.) 
Mrs. Slocum, tell Bobby I’ve got my new wheel, and will learn him 
how to ride it. 

MRS SLOCUM— You might teach him how to ride, but you can- 
not learn him. Julius, {shakes finger at him) Where’s your gram- 
mar, where’s your grammar? 

SKINNY — (/?^ s 2 irprised tone of voice, as he prepares to mount 
his wheel) Why, don’t you know, my gramma is at home with my 
grandpa. {Exit) 

{Mrs. Slocum throivs up her hands in despair, tvhile Miss 
Drew is very much a'nmsed.) 

MISS DREW — You have very interesting neighbors, Mrs. Slo- 
cum. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Interesting (As they exit left first entrance) 
That’s the kind of boys that my son Robert associates with. No 
wonder I can’t etc. etc. 

{Short pause, then Shorty cautiously enters L. U. E., sees coast is 
clear, ]mts finger to his lips and whistles shrilly. After 
short pause Bobby appears on porch, goes quickly acowss stage 
and looks off left, then waves Shorty in.) 

BOBBY — Come on in. The coast is clear. 

SHORTY — {Comes do urn) Ain’t you about through practicing. 


BOBBY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 17 

(They sit in settee, Shorty at 7'ight, and assume unconventional 

attitudes. ) 

BOBBY — Naw. Gee Shorty, you’re lucky. You don’t have to 
learn to play the piano. 

SHORTY — I wouldn’t care. Just think, Bobby, if you was a 
famous musician, with long hair, and played on the stage, like this. 

(Ruffles his hair and plays an imaginary piano, seemingly 
something vei'y classical and difficult.) 

BOBBY — You don’t know how easy you’ve got it. You don’t 
always have to keep your clothes just so, and use a napkin at the 
table and say ‘‘please hand me the bread” and “thank you I don’t 
care for any more cake” — 

SHORTY — (very much astonished) Do you say that “than'it 
you I don’t care for any more cake” ? 

BOBBY — Yes, but I don’t mean it. (poAise) And I have to cut 
and eat my pie with a fork. 

SHORTY — (Surprised to7ie of voice) Eat your pie with a fork. 
I’d never get anywhere with a fork. Me for a knife every time — 
except for peas — they roll off. 

BOBBY — A fellow can’t get near enough to eat if he has to 
observe table etiquette all the time. If Polly didn’t help me out 
tvith some extras between meals I’d starve to death, (pause) x 
^vish I’d never been adopted. I bet my real mamma would have 
been different. 

SHORTY — I wonder what your real name is, and where you 
came from. 

BOBBY — If I could only find out, I’d leave here and hunt up my 
uncles, aunts, cousins or something. 

SHORTY — Won’t Mrs. Slocum tell you a thing. 

BOBBY — No, she won’t even talk to me about it. 

SHORTY — Well, if I was you, I would make her tell me. 

POLLY — (Enters^ Stands on porch.) Is that you out there 
Bobby ? 

BOBBY — (Gloomily) Yep, I’m one of us. 

POLLY — (Comes down to back of settee) Well, if there isn’t 
little Willie, too. 

SUORTY— (Angrily) Don’t call me little Willie. 

POLLY — (Ruffles his hair) Oh, big Bill. What are you two 
little boys plotting now? 

BOBBY — (Sulky) We’re not little Boys. (Polly oniffles his 
hair too, putting him in good humor.) 

POLLY — (Seating herself in settee left, Bobby cen- 
ter, Shorty right.) All right men, tell me all about it. 

- BOBBY’ — Polly, don’t you think she ought to tell me my history 
and my name. Now don’t you ? 


18 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 


POLLY — {Judiciously) Well, I don^t know. Mrs. Slocum^s doing 
well by you, treats you like her own son — 

BOBBY — Nobody treats their own children like that. 

POLLA —Like what ? 

BOBBY — Everything. I don't have near the fun Shorty and 
Skinny have. 

POLLY — Listen Bobby, Mrs. Slocum may seem a bit hard some 
times, but she means well — ^wait until you are older and she wiM 
tell you all you want to know. 

BOBBY" — But I v/ant to knov/ now. 

SHORTY — (Places hand on Bohhy\s shoulder) My advice to 
you is to — 

POLLY — (Teasingly) Your advice — a boy — not more than half 
a boy I’m thinking. (Places hand on Bohby^s shoulder) You listen 
to mo. 

SHORTY^ — (To Bobby) Haven’t I always been your friend? 

POLLY — (As if Shorty had not inter'mpted) Somebody who 
wasn’t bom just two or three weeks ago. 

SHORTY’’ — ( Jumps up, very angry) I want ycu to know that I 
am ton years oM. 

•POLLY"— ¥/ ell, hove old am I ? 

SHORTY" — Y"es, but you’re a woman. 

POLLY — As it happens, as it happens. 

(Bicycle hell heard, off stage. Enter Skinny on ivheel.) 


SKINNY" — (Corning doum to settee. Proudly.) How’s that 
for quick time? Been dov/n to the village and back in just no time. 
BOBBY" — (Exa, mines ivheel) Gee, you’ve got your new wheel. 


haven’t you. I wish I had one. 

SKINNY — Never you mind. You can ride mine. 

POLLY" — (Going to porch) Bobby, Mrs. Slocum wull be back tn 
a minute. 

BOBBY — Wait a minute, Polly. Before you go let’s play one 
round <^>1 ranking poetry again. 


SHORTY- I 5 Come on, Polly. 

SKINNY— f ^ogetnei. | y^.g ^ome on. 


(The boys go to porch and bring her doum.) 

POLLY" — Wcl', just one trial apiece. (Boys seat themselves 
in settee. Polly stands left of settee,) All right, you start Bobby. 

(The boys recite a line, and Polly recites another which rhymes. 
Each hoy pauses to think of a suitable line, and Polly thinks 
hard !o supply a '-rhyme as soon as possible. Boys take great 
delight in it.) 

BOBBY — I’d rather have Polly than riches. 

POLLY — D fitter wait ’till you wear long breeches. 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 19 

SHORTY^ — The crows are singing sweetly in the trees. 

POLLY — Did you ever see one wearing B. V. D^s. 

SKINNY^ — Sugar is sweet, and so is Polly. 

POLLY — (Thinking) I am stuck (thinks) No Pm not — by golly. 

(Entey^ Mrs. Slocum and Miss DreiVy left first entrance. They 

stop and survey the scene.) 

POLLY — (to the hoys) Mrs Slocum. (She goes hurriedly in 
the house. Shorty fades away r, /, e, hurriedly disappear'^ 

with wheel L. U. E. Miss Dreiv seats herself at tabte 
left and picks up magazhie.) 

MRS. SLOCUM— (At settee.) Well, Robert. 

BOBBY — (Stands and faces her) Mother, I want to l:now my 
real name, and where I’m from. 

MRS. SLOCUM — I suppose your associates have put you up to 

this. 

BOBBY — (Passionately) I want to know who my parents were, 
and all about them. You have no right to keep this from me. I 
don’t even know whether they are dead or living. Please tell me 
about my mother. 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Not unkindly) Robert, I am very sorry that 
you learned j^ou were only an adopted son. I wished to believe yoti 
were my own, and have you think of me as your own mother. 

BOBBY — But now that I know, why not tell me about my par- 
ents. Is my mother still living? 

MRS. SLOCUM — I will tell you this much, Robert, your father 
and mother are both dead. (Pause while Bobby sorrowfully tum^ 
and sits in settee.) But that is all I will tell you. It is noh 
necessary for you to know any more than that. You might as well 
become reconciled to the thought of me as your mother, and the 
name of Slocum as your own. There is no use feeling bad about it. 
(More kindly) Now come on in the house, Robert, and get ready 
for dinner. 

(Bobby slowly and sadly exits in house. Mrs. Slocum fol- 
lows himy but is stopped before she reaches porch by Miss 

Drew.) 

MISS DREW — (Callina) Mrs. Slocum. (Walks totvards her) 
I hope you wont think unkindly of me for mixing in on matterjs 
which should be no concern of mine, but you have in a way taken 
me in your confidence and told me many things concerning Robert. 
I like that boy — it was a case of love on first sight — and I feel vei^ 
sorry for him. I fear he never will be satisfied until he learnt 
his history. I believe you are mistaken when you think he will foi^- 
get in time. A boy can never forget anything of that kind. DonT 
you think that if you told him all that he wants to know, it would 
cease to be a mystery, and he would lose interest more quickly thah 


20 BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 

if you withheld the desired information. 

MRS. SLOCUM — {Firmly) I appreciate your interest, but I 
still think that my plan is better. If he knew his real name it 
would be a perpetual reminder that I was not his mother, and I 
would lose my influence over him. He hasn’t a relative in the 
world. A boy needs somebody’s guiding hand. If I can no longer 
influence him, there is no one to take my place. But, if I remain 
firm in my refusal to discuss the matter, he will finally become 
reconciled. {More pleasantly) But you must excuse me now. I 
must go in and assist Polly with the dinner. 

MISS DREW — Let me ask you one more question, Mrs. Slocum. 
Does anyone — relatives, friends of the family, or the people from 
whom you got him — know of his whereabouts? 

MRS. SLOCUM — Absolutely nobody. I left my foraier home, 
and no one knows my present address. How it was discovered here 
th^at Robert is an adopted son I do not know. It is extremely un- 
fortunate, but I will make the best of it. I alone know where 
Bobby came from, and I will not tell. The few letters, papers, 
and heirlooms belonging to Robert are locked in my safe, and there 
they will remain until I die. {Change of voice) You will excuse 
me now? 

MISS DREW — Certainly. And forgive me if I have seemed 
presumptious. 

MRS. SLOCUM — {Lightly) Nothing to forgive. Dinner will 
be ready shortly. {Exit) 

{Miss Drew vjodks to table left and idly puts magazines, etc. in 
orderly arrangement. Enter Bobby ought first entrance, and 
seats himself in a dejected onanner in settee.) 

MISS DREW — {Crosses to Bobby) Aren’t you coming in 
to dinner, Bobby. 

BOBBY — No, I am not hungry. 

MISS DREW — {Places hands on his shoulders.) Cheer up 
Bobbie. Everything will turn out all right in the end. {Exit) 

{Bobby buoues his face hi his arms, on arm of settee left. Shoo^t 
pause, then Shorty appears r, f, e. He is disguised. He is 
tvearing a long and full beard, v)hich he evidently got out of 
the trunk belonging to Miss Drew^s brother. He seats him^ 
self slowly at the side of Bobby. Bobby sets up, and in 
throwing his right arm back, touches Shorty. Bobby is sur- 
t prised oo% finding sooneone there, and looking straight ahead, 
he runs his hand slowly up Shorty* s body until he reaches 
the beard. His eyes open ivide as he takes in the size of the 
beard.) 

BOBBY — {Suddenly exclaims) Santa Claus. {He looks quickly 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 21 

towards Shorty j ivho at once jerks off the disguise.) Why Shorty, 
where did you get them? 

SHORTY — {With finger on lips.) Sh. (Looks cautiously 
around) IVe got a whole lot more of them. I am going to be a 
detective and find out who you are. 

BOBBY — It’s no use, Shorty. You never could find out. 

SHORTY — Yes I can. Here comes Skinny. (Skinny comes 
‘down stage.) Look here Skinny, what I’ve got. 

SKINNY— What is it anyway. 

SHORTY — It’s a disguise I looked just like Santa Claus with 
this on, didn’t I Bobby? 

BOBBY — I’ll say you did. That is — you felt like him. 

SHORTY — Now listen. (They get their heads together) 
Bobby don’t know who he is, and Mrs. Slocum won’t tell him. 
Now, I bet if we try real hard we can find out. I have lots of 
disguises, so I’ll be the detective. Skinny will help me, won’t you. 

SKINNY — You know rie. 

SHORTY — I’ve already got a clew. Up in the rafters of the 
summer kitchen there’s a little box with some books, and photo- 
graphs and letters. We’ll get those out some time. Maybe we 
can find something in there that will give us a clew. 

BOBBY — Is that so. Say, I bet we have stmek it already. 

SKINNY — But supposing you don’t like your name when we 
find what it is. 

BOBBY — I don’t care what it is, so it’s only my own. 

SHORTY — Maybe it’s one of those Russian names, where you 
have to sneeze every time you pronounce it. 

BOBBY — I don’t care. I sneeze a whole lot anyway. 

SKINNY — Or one of these real long names, like Schromlegoo- 
lengotes. 

BOBBY — I don’t care what my name is. 

SHORTY — All right then. We won’t give up until we find out 
who Bobbv is. We’ll devote our whole life to it, won’t we Skinny? 

SKINNY — I’ll say we will. Let’s shake on it. 

(Bobby is in the center, and as his tivo friends solemnly shake 

hands, he puts his hands on their shoulders.) 

BOBBY — You’re the best old friends a fellow ever had. 

(CURTAIN) 



22 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 


THE SECOND ACT 

{Same scene as act one, Ente^' from 1. u, e. George 
Ferguson and Skinny ^ the latter carrying a small satchel,) 

FERGUSON— satchel) All right sonny, this will be 
far enough. You can go now. {Hands him coin) Just a minute. 
How many trains a day are there on this railroad that I came in on? 
SKINNY — Two each way. 

FERGUSON — Do you know the time of departure of the 
trains going east, to New York. 

SKINNY — There^s one in the afternoon at 3:15, and the other 
goes at midnight. Say, are you going to be a boarder here too? 

FERGUSON — Perhaps. You say there is a train going east at 
twelve oVock? 

SKINNY — Yes. Mrs. Slocum never takes more than one 

boarder at a time, and she has one already. 

FERGUSON — Let me tell you something, young man. I never 
fail to get what I go after, and what you mention will be easy 
compared to some other things I have in mind. So run along now, 
sonny. 

{Ferguson walks down to table left, and surveys house carefully, 
while Skinny exits,) 

FERGUSON — So this is where my fair Polly makes her home. 
I wonder whether she is old, young or medium. Well, no matter, 
I am willing to take her as she is, for the chance to work on that 
safe she mentions. It wonT be hard to lose her after we get to 
New York. (Looks at watch) It\s still early. 1^11 reconnoiter a 
bit, get the lay of the land, and watch for a chance to see Polly 
before tackling the lady of the house for board. {Takes envelope 
and pencil fro7n pocket) Might as well get a plan of the house first. 

{Ferguson seats himself in chair right of table, placing satchel 07i 
floor between his feet. He first looks carefully at house, 
then draivs a feiv lines 07i enveloj^e, on table. Filter Shorty 
I, u, e, disguised in some mamier. For instance, he can wear 
partly bald Irish comedian ivig, 7vith beai^d or mustache. It 
is not necessa^^y m all cases tvhere Shorty is disguised that 
beard or mustache match the ivig. The inore ludicrous he 
appears, the better. He walks to table in stealthy manner, 
and stands partly back of Ferguson and looks at envelope, 
Ferguson sees him, hastily puts envelope in pocket, picks 
up satchel and stands up, Sho7^ty calmly takes seat left of 
table and picks up magazine, Ferguson looks at him, regis- 
tering the ut77iost astonishment, then sneaks off left. Shorty 


23 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 

waits a moment , then stealthily follows him.) 

{Enter Mrs. Slocum and Polly from house.) 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Calls) Robert. (Pause) I wonder where he 
has gone to now. If he doesn’t show up Polly, you’ll have to dig 
those potatoes. A few Mils will be sufficient — enough for supper. 
I’ll go across fields to Simpsons and see if I can arrange for them 
to send us a pound more of butter every week. (Crosses stage) 
Y”ou might go up and see if Robert is down the road. (Exit 1. f. e.) 

(Polly mms 2 ip to 1. u. e, and just as she arrives there Ferguson 

steps in, and they stand face to face for a moment.) 

POLLY — (Steps hack) Mr. Ferguson. (Retreats down stage 
to porch) Oh, why did you come here? 

FERGUSON — (Follows her) That’s a nice question to ask, 
after all those nice letters I received from you. 

POLLY — Oh, I didn’t mean everything I said in my letters. 
Besides I asked you not to come, and now you have come anyway. 

FERGUSON — How did I know you meant that. You yourself 
admit that you did not mean everything you wrote. 

POLLY — I meant that, though. If Mrs. Slocum knew I had 
been corresponding with you, and that now you have come to visit 
me, she wouM go straight up in the air. 

FERGUSON — But she need not know anything about it. I’ll 
engage board here, and we won’t let on that we are already ac- 
quainted. 

POLLY — We’re not already acquainted, for that matter. Be- 
sides it vdll be impossible for you to engage board here. Mrs. 
Slocum will tum you down. 

FERGUSON — Oh no she won’t. Listen Polly. I’m going to 
take you away from here. You’re too pretty to be buried in tMs 
out-of-the-way place. Wouldn’t you like to go to the big city, wear 
fine clothes, see all the shows, and travel. What have you got 
here. Work, eat and sleep 365 days in the year. And you are not 
allowed to handle the money you earn. How do you know she is 
keeping your money for you — it may be a trick — 

POLLY — Oh no, you don’t know Mrs. Slocum. She’s good to 
me. She’s saving the money for m.y own good. When I need 
some she gives it to me. 

FERGUSON — How do you know she is saving all your money? 
Have you ever seen it? 

POLLY — Yes. She keeps a regular account of what she owes 
me. I’ve got over $600. now. I’ve counted it and I have seen her 
put it in the safe. 

FERGUSON — Come Polly. Leave with me. You can stay at 
my sister’s home in New York until we get married. I’ll get your 
money for you. I can open any safe. 


24 


BOBBY WHAT\S-mS-NAME 

POLLY — {Astonished.) Open any safe — 

FERGUSON — Wliy I — ah — used to work in a factory where 
they make safes. {Pause.) After we are married, we — 

POLLY — Oh no. Pm afraid. Mrs. Slocum has been good to 
me, only she wont let me keep company with any of the young men 
around here, and she won't let me spend my money the way I 
want to. 

FERGUSON — Thre’s no use wasting your life here where you 
are not appreciated. I love you. {Takes her hand) Come with me 
to the city, where you can wear pretty clothes and meet nice people. 
You said the safe is hidden in the walls of the house. Tell me 
where it is hidden and Pll get your money for you and we will 
leave this place. 

POLLY — {Disengages her hand) No, I canT tell you that. It 
wouldn’t be right. If you love me, why not take me, and leave the 
money in the safe. 

FERGUSON — Because I am willing to take the risk and go to 
the trouble to open the safe and get your money only goes to prove 
my love for you. It’s not like as if we v/ere stealing it. The 
money belongs to you, doesn’t it? You have as much right to it as 
Mrs. Slocum, more right, in fact. If you’ll tell me where the safe 
is hidden. I’ll get your money for you, and we’ll leave for New York. 
When you get there you can put it in the bank. 

POLLY — I will have to think it over. Mrs. Slocum mav return 
any minute, I must go in. 

FERGUSON — {Takes hold of her wrist) No, decide now. I 
came down here in good faith. I have your letters in my pocket. 
I wont stand for any fooling. You have got to go through with it. 

POLLY — Don’t, you are hurting my wrist. {Pulls hand loose 
with an effort. Then speaks weakly) Mrs. Slocum is coming. I’ll 
manage to see you again after a while. {Goes sloiuly to porch) 
FERGUSON — {Meaningly) Y^ou’ll see me again, and you’ll go 
through ^\dth this, or I’ll know the reason why. {Polly, very much 
frightened, tiums and staggers into house, Ferguson stands and, 
watches her as she exits. Enter Shorty from L. U. E. disguised 
as a sporty looking gent. He ivears a stove-pipe^' hat and twirls 
a small cane. He pauses at table, assumes an attitude, and idly 
twirls his mustache. Ferguson tiunis, sees Shorty, and reg- 
iszers the utmost astonishment. Shorty crosses stage with an air, 
and exits R, F. E. Ferguson turns to audience.) There’s some- 
thing mysterious about that guy. {Looks left.) Someone ap- 
proaching. Probably the lady of the house. 

{Ferguson goes L. U. E, Mrs. Slocum enters L. F. E.and 
walks hurriedly across stage to house. Ferguson comes down 
and. stops her as she reaches porch.) 


25 


BOBBY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 

FERGUSON — Reg pardon. 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Stops, twrns, and su'^'veys him from head to 
foot) How do you do. 

FERGUSON — Very well. How do you do? 

MRS. SLOCUM — 1 do not caro to buy a set of the World*;s 
Best Classics, in twenty volumes, bound in all leather, for only 
three dollars down, and the balance in easy monthly payments. 

FERGUSON — Ah, then you already have one book and don^t 
wish to buy any more until you have read that? 

MRS. SLOCUM — (coldly) Sir, I ov:n the best and largest li- 
brary in the county. 

FERGUSON — Beg pardon, madam, but I am no book-agent, 
and I do not in the least doubt your statement regarding your 
library. Y^cur beautiful residence, this well-kept lawn, your very 
speech, madam, all bear unmistakable signs of culture and refine- 
ment. In fact, that is what has moved me to choose this place in 
preference to many others I have seen. Y'ou are the lady of tire 
house, I presume ? 

MRS. SLOCUM — Would you mind stating your business. 

FERGUSON — Fm coming to that. George Ferguson is n^ 
name. I am from New York. I am on my vacation, and while 
motoring through here I was struck by the appearance of this 
place, and hearing that you occasionally took in boarders, I ahi 
taking the liberty to ask you to let me remain here a few weeks. 

MRS. SLOCUM — I am sorry, but there is one person staying 
here now, and I haven’t room for another. I didn’t hear you drive 
up with your car. 

FERGUSON — (S'urprised) My car? (Recovers) Oh yes, my 

car. 

MRS. SLOCUM— Yes, your car. 

FERGUSON — You said my car? (Laughs) How foolish of 
me to forget about my car. I left it at the garage in the village. 

MRS. SLOCUM — I have always wished I o^vned a car. What 
make is yours? 

FERGUSON — What make? Oh yes, it’s a Fo — (quickly) No, 
no. That was the kind I had first. This one is a Bear-Cat. Of 
course if I stayed here you would be welcome to the car at any time. 

MRS. SLOCUM — It would be nice to have a car around the 
place. But it is no use thinking about it, I haven’t got room for 
another boarder. 

FERGUSON — A car would come in awful handy in case a 
person would want to run down to the village and back in a hurry. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Yes, I’ve often wished I had a car for that 
very purpose. And to go to church on Sundays. 

FERGUSON — It would do this car of mine good to go to church 
for a change. 


26 BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 

MRS. SLOCUM — There is no use talking about it. Besides, 
it always has been my custom to take female boarders only. 

FERGUSON — If I stayed here I v/ould be glad to take you out 
in my car whenever you wanted to. Also your other boarder — and 
the hired-girl. You have a hired-girl, haven’t yon ? 

XvIRS. SLOCUM — Never mind the hired girl. To tell the truth 
I wouldn’t know where to nut vou. I have no extra room left. 
No— 


EFIRGUSON — (quickly) How would you like to learn to run a 

caj? 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Delighted at the idea) Oh, would you really 
teach me how to drive your car? 

FERGUSON— Why not ? 

MRS. SLOCUM — When could we start? 

FTDRGUSON — This very afternoon. No, I’d forgotten. They 
are making a few small repairs on the car. A thingamajig or 
something has worked loose and nibs on the what-you-may-call-it. 
But we can start tomorrovv morning sure. 

MRS. SLOCUM — I’li fix a room up for you immediately. 
Won’t you come in and sit in the parlor. 

FTiRGUSON — Thank you, but I believe 1 prefer to stay out 
here under the trees, 

MRS. SLOCUM — Let me have your satchel then. 

FERGUSON — Thank you again, but I wish to use it. 

MRS. SLOCUM — (as she prepares to go) Oh, by the way, how 
many miles an hour will the Bear-Cat make? 

FERGUSON — She goes so fast that the telephone poles along 
the road look like the teeth of a fine-tooth comb. 

MRS- SLOCUM — Oh. I wouldn’t like to go that fast. Sixty 
or seventy miles an hour will be sufficient for me (Exit) 

FFIRGUSON — (Seats himself in settee and ojoens satchel) 
There are a few articles in here that might look suspicious to the 
edd dame. (Takes out revolver) I wish I could hide this out here 
somewheres. (Looks about, then goes up and hides pistol in urn,) 
There, that’s safe. Now, before I do anything else I am going to 
investigate that mysteiious little guy that’s fooling around here. 
Fie gets my goat. 


(After looking in all dArections, he cautiously exits L, U. E. 
Shorty enters inmiediately, disguised, from right first en- 
trance, and in a very sneaky mamier first crawls over settee 
then goes up stage and follows Ferguson out, Ferguson im- 
mediately enter cautiously L. F , E, Facmg right he stops to 
light cigarette. Shorty enters and stands immediately hack 
of Ferguson, In that manner, as one man, they walk briskly 
across stage and exit.) 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME * 27 

{Enter Skinny through gate on ivheel. He has telegram, 
Bobby enters at same time from house.) 

SKINNY — {Waving telegram) Telegram for Miss Drew. 
Where is she, Bobby? 

BOBBY — In the house, I guess. How do you like your new 
Tsdieei ? 

SKINNY — Fine. Do you want to learn how to ride it ? Come 
out on the road and Fll show you. 

BOBBY — All right. {They start for gate. Enter Miss Dreiv 
from house.) 

MISS DREW — {Calling) Oh Julius. Did I hear you say some- 
thing about having a telegram for me? 

SKINNY — {Returning . Bobby holds ivheel.) Oh yes. I was 
just going to give it to you. 

MISS DREW — {Smiling) Hov/ nice of you to bring this here 
for me, Julius. Let’s see whether I have a quarter for you. {Skinny 
smiles broadly while she searches in purse for coin.) Y'es, here is 
one. Thank you very much besides. 

SKINNY — Don’t mention it. Will vou have any more tele- 

* ‘ * 

grams to send ? 

MISS DREW — Perhaps. I’ll let you know if I do. 

BOBBY — {Excitedly) Say, Miss Drew, d.on’t you want to come 
out on the road and watch me try to ride' Skinny’s wheel. 

SKINNY" — Yes, come on. Bobby’s never been on a vdieel be- 
fore, so he’s going to stall on top of the big hill and go down. 

MISS DREW — Don’t do that, Bobby. Try riding on level 
ground first. 

BOBBY — All right. Come on and watch me take a tumble. 
MISS DREW — I’ll help you to get started, anyway. {Places 
telegram on bannister leading from porch, and exits with boys.) 

{Enter from right first entrance Fergi:son, watching Miss Drew 
exit.) 

FERGUSON — She looks familiar — I’ve seen her before. (As 
he comes to steps, he sees and takes envelope. Reads) Miss Doro- 
thy Drew. I’m not sure, but I think I know her. {Looks in all 
directions. Takes pencil from pocket, jilaces under flap and starts 
to open envelope. Enter Shorty from right, and cresses stage in 
an exaggerated sneaky manner. When he arrives at the side of 
Ferguson, the latter turns, gives a violent start, and says) the 
devil. 

{Shorty holds out his hand meaningly, Ferguson hesitates then 
gives him envelope, and exits in house, looking back occasion^ 
ally as he goes. Enter Miss Dreiv hurriedly, goes to porch 
where Shorty hands her the message.) 

MISS DREW — Well I declare. {Shorty removes his disguise.) 


28 BOBBY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 

Well, if it isn’t William. You were keeping my telegram for me? 

SHORTY — {Very important) The new boarder had started to 
open it. See how the flap is torn loose. I came just in time. 

MI SS DREW — Good for you. Seems to me I have seen those 
whiskers before. 

SHORTY — Yes’m. I got them out of your trunk. It seems to 
me there ought to be a detective around this place. You don’t 
mind if I use them, do you ? 

MISS DREW — Certainly not. Especially some one who evi- 
dently knows his business like you do. You watch this man Fer- 
guson and ni make it worth your while. 

SHORTY — ril watch him all right. {Goes to right first en- 
trance) Don’t tell anyone that I am a detective. 

MISS DREW — I won’t. {Shorty exits) William, by his fool- 
ishness, might be of assistance to me. You never can tell. {Seats 
herself at table and reads) New Y^ork, 1 p. m. The boy you en- 
quire about is twelve years old now. Taken from St Anne’s Or- 
phan Asylum nine years ago by lady who changed her address 
shortly afteiwards, and impossible to locate her or boy since. 
Records unfortunately were destroyed by fire. Roy not wanted par- 
ticularly, but wish to learn if still ahve and in hands of honest 
people. Small tin box containing all his wealth, at that time con- 
sisting of practically worthless mining stock, given to lady. On 
account of war conditions mining stock gone up in value and now 
worth thousands of dollars. If you can find boy, and he is in good 
hands, let him remain, but acquaint those interested of increasea 
value of stocks, and advise them to sell and invest in more con- 
servative securities. If boy is found, and this can be done, it Vv^ill 
relieve the minds of the Venerable Sisters of St. Anne’s Orphanage, 
who have asked our bureau to take this case. The other party you 
ask about left New York this morning. We are sending a man to 
assist vou. Pinkerton. 

{Enter Polly hurriedly from house. Looks hack and then advances 

quickly to Miss Dreiv.) 

POLLY — {Excitedly) Oh, Miss Drew, I don’t know what to do. 
Y"ou must help me. That Mr. Ferguson is here and — {pauses) 

MISS DREW — How lovely. It must be exciting for a girl to 
have a sweetheart whom she has never before seen to come and — 

POLLY — {Interrupting) Don’t make fun of me like that. 
You know I didn’t want him to come, that I didn’t want to see him, 
and now — 

MISS DREW — Doesn't he come up to your expectations? 

POLLY — He’s good-looking enough, if that is what you mean. 
{Smiling again) I kinda like his looks, and would enjoy a little* 
flirtation — you know — nothing serious — 


29 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 

MISS DREW— Well, isn’t he willing? 

POLLY — {Woefully) That’s the trouble. He's too willing. 
He means business.- 

MISS DREW — {Very much amused) Oh, he’s one of the kind 
that believes in taking the citadel by storm. 

POLLY — I don’t know what you are saying, but I know what 
you mean. I don’t like that kind of love-making. It scares me. 
He v/ants me to elope with him tonight. 

MISS DREW — {astonished) Tonight! Be careful Polly. 
Wait until you know more about him. 

POLLY — Oh there’s not the least danger. But he frightens 
me. Oh what a fool I was to write those letters to him. Now he 
says that what he wrote was in good faith, and that he believed 
everything I wrote to him, and I am afraid that he v/ill make 
trouble now. He might sue me for breach of promise or some- 
thing. 

MISS DREW — Oh no. A woman always has the privilege of 
changing her mind. Don’t let him frighten you. But a girl 
shouldn’t lead a man to think she is serious when she isn’t, least 
of ail in writing. Mr. Ferguson has a right to ask for an explana- 
tion, at least. 

POLLY — That man don’t want any explanations. He wants me, 
{pause) and my money. 

MISS DREW — How do you know he wants your money ? 

POLLY— Because it’s on his mind all the time. Gosh blame it, 
[ wish somebody would love me for myself alone. {Pause) Say, 
Miss Drew, now that I’ve got a beau, tell me how I can let loose 
of him again. 

MISS DREW — 'Why not let him think you have lost your for- 
tune. 

POLLY — No use. I’ve already admitted today that my whole 
six hundred dollars was still in Mrs. Slocum’s safe. 

MISS DREW — Would Mrs. Slocum give it to you? 

POLLY — I should say not. You see, Mrs. Slocum’s safe is 
built in the walls of the house somewheres and the door is hid. 
Ferguson says he can open any safe, used to work in a safe fac- 
tory, and he v/ants me to tell him where the safe is hidden, then 
tonight he will open the safe and get my money for me — then we 
Avill sneak out of the house and catch the twelve o’clock train for 
New York, and get married in the morning. {Sarcastically) That 
would be a dickens of a fine way to get m.arried, wouldn’t it? 
{Pause tvhile she sits there with head in her hands. Then dramati- 
cally) No rice, no old shoes, no jealous bridesmaids, no wedding 
trooso, no pretty lingeree, no nothing. 

MISS DREW — {Laughs heartily, then suddenly becomes seri- 


so BOBBY WHAT\S-HIS-NAME 

ous.) Listen to me Polly, is there anything else of value in that 
safe besides your money? 

POLLY' — I don’t think so. Nothing but Mrs. Slocum’s papers 
and a tin box with some letters and things that came with Bobby. 

MISS DREW — Did you ever see the contents of the little tin 
box containing Bobby’s effects? 

POLLY — No, not exactly. I knov,' there are some letters, and 
papers and things. 

MISS DREW — {Impressively.) Listen to me very carefully, 
Polly. This man Ferguson is not on the square, — a lover might be 
willing to risk his life for his sweetheart, but he doesn’t olfer to 
rob a safe for her. 

POI/LY^ — Say, Miss Drew, if he would offer to die for me, as 
they do in the story-books some times, I’d say go ahead. I 
wouldn’t stop him. 

MISS DREW — Please let me finish, Polly. Y"ou remember I 
told you that occasionally I am employed by a detective bureau. 
This young man who calls himself Ferguson is known to us, and 
the chief is very anxious to put him behind the bars, but it is very 
difficult to catch him at anything. Now are you game to do this — 
let him think you are going to elope wdth him — tell him where the 
safe is hidden — let him open it — I promise you that I will be right 
there to see that he doesn’t get away with the contents. And I 
also promise you that he will not bother you any more. 

POLLY — Oh, I couldn’t do that, Miss Drew’. I don’t Vv^ant to 
be the cause of Mr. Ferguson going to jail, and besides it W’ouldn’t 
be fair to Mrs. Slocum. 

MISS DREW — Ferguson will be getting just what he deseiwes. 
As for Mrs. Slocum, it wdll be a lesson for her. There are plenty of 
good banks — she has no business keeping that much money in the 
house. Many a person has been murdered for less. 

POLLY — What will Mrs. Slocum do to me, though, for telling 
about the safe, for having a beau, for everything? 

MISS DREW — You’re in for it any way you look at it, Polly. 
This man w’on’t leave until he has accomplished his object. She’ll 
find out about it anyw’ay now. I have hopes that when she finds 
out how narrow" an escape she has had, she will be wdlling to forgive. 

POLLY — It scares me to think about it. Miss Drew". 

MISS DREW — There is another reason w’hy 1 wdsh to let Fer- 
guson open that safe. For certain reasons w’e are trying to lo- 
cate a certain little boy. It may be that Bobby is that boy, but 
w^e cannot know for certain until w’e can look through his papers 
which are in a little tin box in Mrs. Slocum’s safe and she wall not 
consent to that. It will mean good fortune for Bobby if he proves 
to be the boy w’e are looking for, and I am sure that Mrs. Slocum 
will hold no giTidge if everything tuims out like I think it will. 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 31 

POLLY — Yes, if everything turns out like you thi^ik it wiB. 
(hi tone of voice implying that everythmg will probably not turn 
out that ivay.) 

MISS DREW — Ferguson will probably rob the safe anyway 
before he leaves, and take ycu too in the bargain. 

POLLY— Good Lord, no. 

MISS DREW — Let him think you are going to elope with him, 
give him all the rope he wants, and Pll settle with him tonight. 

POLLY — Then if I let Mr. Ferguson make love to me, nothing 
serious will come of it ? 

MISS DREW— No. 

POLLY — Well that^s something, anyway. But say, supposing 
you aint on hand, oversleep or something, and it’s train time, and 
Mr. Ferguson has the money, and wants me too, and all ready to 
go— 

MISS DREW — Never fear. Pm not going to bed at all. I’ll 
be right there. 

POLLY — You are sure? 

MISS DREW— Absolutely. 

(Enter Bobby y Skinny and Shorty, left upper entrance.) 

BOBBY — (In an off-hand manner) Say, Polly, you know those 
cookies you baked this morning — 

POLLY — You bet I know them, 

SKINNY — We were thinking that maybe there was something 
we couM do for you — 

SHORTY — Run an errand or something — 

POLLY — That reminds me — there is something — 

BOBBY — We’ll do anything you want us to, if you’ll give us 
some cookies. 

POLLY — I had nearly forgotten it — Mrs. Slocum wants a few 
hills of the new potatoes dug for supper. 

BOBBY — (Disgusted) I would rather do anything than dig po- 
tatoes. 

SKINNY' — I get enough of that at home. 

(Miss Drew has crossed stage and is noiu standing at po7'ch.) 

POLLY — There you go again. You boys come to me and make 
a proposition and then bark down on it. 

BOBBY' — Yes, but digging potatoes. (As if there could be 
nothina worse than that.) 

SHORTY — Why don’t you let the fellow who planted the pota- 
toes dig them too. He knows right where they are. 

MISS DREW — I think that is a fine job, digging potatoes. 
(Boys turn to Miss Dreiv.) It is so much fun to try to guess be- 
forehand how many potatoes there are in a hill, and how big they 


32 BOBBY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 

will be — let^s have a contest. To the boy who finds the biggest 
potato I will give a dime, and Polly will give you all cookies. 

THREE BOYS — All right. (They rush to left first entrance, 
Polly stops them. Miss Dreiu exits into house. 

POLLY — Wait boys. Don’t dig them all. Just enough for a 
meal or two. (Boys exit.) That’s the way to get a boy to work. 
Get him interested in something, and he’ll work his head off. 

(Eyiter Fergusoyi from right first entrance, and meets Polly at 

p>orch.) 

FERGUSON — I have been Vv-atching for an opportunity to 
speak to you. Pve got an important engagement in New York to- 
morrow, and must leave tonight. I want to know whether you are 
going with me. 

POLLY — (Aiiimated and affected) Won’t you have a seat on 
the settee? 

FERGUSON — (Sits down) Thank you, Miss Polly, I don’t 
care if I do. 

POLLY — (Sits beside him.) Isn’t this lovely, just me and you? 

FERGUSON — (Looks at her in astonishment) Say, do you do 
that purposely? 

POLLY — Do you mean my poetry? 

FERGUSON — I guess that is what you would call it. 

POLLY — No, without trying I make those rhymes. 

FERGUSON — I’ll say they sound kinda good some times. 
(Stops in astonishment.) For Pete’s sake, I’m getting the habit 
too. 

POLLY — Isn’t that a funny thing for you to go and do? 

FERGUSON — Quit it. Quit it. Let’s cut the poetry and talk 
sense. 

POLLY- -A11 right, we’ll talk about your important engage- 
ment. 

FERGUSON — (Siirprised) Important engagement? 

POLLY — Yes, in New York tomorrow. 

FERGUSON — Oh yes, my important engagement in New York. 

POLLY — Tomorrow. 

FERGUSON — Yes tomorrow. Why, I have to meet a man. 

POLLY — (Denmrely) Oh. (Pause) I thought perhaps it was 
to get married. 

FERGUSON — (Surprised) Married? (Recovers) Oh, that’s 
right we were thinking of getting married. 

POLLY — You said something about it, Mr. Ferguson. 

FERGUSON — (Preens himself) Ah — ^why don’t you call me 
George ? 

POLLY — George. 

FERGUSON — (Cautiously looks around, then) Listen Polly, 


33 


BOBBY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 

I have something to say to you. 

POLLY — You have something to say to me? 

FERGUSON — (Takes another quick look around, fakes a deep 
breath, then) Yes — I love you Polly. 

POLLY — Oh George. 

FERGUSON — I want you to be my wife. 

POLLY — Oh George. 

‘ FERGUSON — And leave with me for New York tomorrow. 

POLLY— OH GEORGE. 

FERGUSON — And live happily forever after, (quickly) Oh 
George. Excuse me, I was afraid youM strain your vocal chords 
if you went after another one. 

POLLY — Are you sure you want to marry me for myself alone. 

FERGUSON — Of course. It stands to reason that I wouldn’t 
marry you or anyone else for a few hundred dollars. But rather 
than see that old lady have your money, I am willing to take the 
lisk and go to the trouble of opening her safe and getting it for 
you. And you don’t even appreciate it. In fact, just the opposite, 
you make unkind insinuations. (Takes her hand) Come Polly, go 
to the city with me. Leave this place. Pack up your clothes and 
be ready to leave in time to catch the midnight train. 

POLLY — Tonight already? Why so soon? A girl likes to be 
courted. 

FERGUSON — I’m sorry, Polly, but I must be in New York to- 
morrow. You can’t exactly call ours a short courtship. We have 
been corrsponding for some time you know. 

POLLY — (Sco^m fully) Oh that. There’s no fun in writing 
letters. Can’t you wait a few days. 

FERGUSON — No. I have to return tonight. (Coaxes) Make 
up your mind to go with me. After we get to New York we will 
have plenty of time for love-m.aking. I’ll take a vacation, and 
spend all my time with you. We’ll take all kinds of trips, go to 
shows, eat our meals at swell hotels, anything your heart desires. 
I’ll show you a good time if it takes everv cent you got. 

POLLY— What ! 

FERGUSON — No, I didn’t mean that. I was only joking. 

POLLY — But I haven’t got time to make any preparations at 
all. Why, a girl wouldn’t even have time to go to the bank and 
draw out her money. 

FERGUSON — What, have you got money in the bank too? 
You could check it out after you arrived in New York. 

POLLY — Yes, but what if a girl has given positive instruc- 
tions not to pay a cent of the five thousand unless she calls for it 
herself. 

FERGUSON — (Astonished) Five thousand! maybe you have 
got time (looks at ivatch hurriedly) no, blame it. Why do you 


34 BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 

make such darn fool arrangements for? 

POLLY — I didn’t. I merely said that supposing a girl had 
money in the bank, she wouldn’t have time to draw it. 

FERGUSON — Don’t. (Collapses seat. Mops forehead with 
handkerchief.) Let’s settle this other matter. Mrs. Slocum is 
liable to come out here any minute. I don’t like to tell her my real 
reason for being here. Promise to leave with me tonight and tell 
me where the door to the safe is hidden. 

POLLY — Well, since you insist — 

(Enter Bobby and Skinny noisily from left first entrance. They 
each have a basket or two gallon bucket heaping full of potor 
toes, and carry an extra large one in their hand.) 

BOBBY — (Excitedly) Where’s Miss Drew, Polly? 

SKINNY — We both got a big one, Polly I wonder if Miss 
Drew will want to have a contest again tomorrow. 

BOBBY — Where’s Miss Drew. And when do we get the cook- 
ies? 

POLLY — Miss Drew is in the house. Go on in, and I’ll be there 
in a minute and give you the cookies. 

(Boys go into the house hurriedly. Polly has gone to porch steps. 
Ferguson folloivs her.) 

FERGUSON — Wait. (Questioning tone of voice) You were 
going to say? 

POLLY — (Tumiing. Acts surprised.) Oh, are you still here? 
Let ’s see, what were we talking about? 

FERGUSON — You know what we were talking about. 

POLLY — Oh yes, you were asking me to take a ti*ip to New 
York with you. All right. I’ll be delighted. (Starts to go.) 
P^'ERGLISON — Wait. There was another little matter. 
POLLY — Well, if it was only a little matter, it won’t matter, so 
let us not bring it up again. I must go in. 

FERGUSON — (Impatiently) That safe — that safe. 

POLLY^ — Ah ha, now we’ve got it. Well, Mr. Ferguson, I’ll 
tell you, but not because — ^well, never mind. You go in the front 
parlor. 

FERGUSON— Yes. 

POLLY — Then go to the north wall — 

FERGUSON— Yes, yes. 

POI.LY^ — And west of the piano — 

FERGUSON— Yes, yes, yes. 

POLLY — And back of the — (looks to back of stage) well, what 
in the world? 

(Ferguson Uirns impatiently. Enter Shorty, from R. U. E., walk- 
ing on hands and feet. Besides weainng an outrageous dis- 
guise, he has a pair of large arctics on his feet, tvhich he lifts 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME c5 

gingerly at each step. He is about to get the revolver which 
is hidden in the urn, when Ferguson rushes up, hurriedly takes 
revolver and places in pocket. He comes down to porch, finds 
that Polly has left, and looks angrily after Shorty %vho exits 
L. U. E. Ferguson searches for something to throw, picks up 
brick {imitation) and hurls violently after Shorty, then exits 
hurriedly into house.) 

{Enter Bobby and Skinny from R. F. E. munching cookies. They 
seat themselves on settee.) 

BOBBY — I wonder what Shorty is doing. 

SKINNY — {Proudly) He’s doing something, you can bet. He’s 
stuck on this detective business, ard he’ll stick to it until he finds 
out something. {Enter Shorty) 

SHORTY — Say, where did you get them? 

BOBBY — Polly. I got some for you too. {Gives him cookies). 
What you been doing? 

SHORTY^ — Detectivining. I teil you it is dangerous Vv'ork too. 
I ought to have a pistol or something I nearly got killed once this 
afternoon. 

SKINNY— You did? How? 

SHORTY^ — {Braggmg) This guy Ferguson was going*to use 
a gun on me, but lost his nerve and threw a brick and run. {Pause) 
The dirty little coward. I wisht I’d had iny gun on me. 

SKINNY’' — Have you got a gun too! 

SHORTY — I mean if I owned one. 

BOBBY — Shorty, you ought to have your life insured. If you 
don’t you’ll get killed sure. 

SHORTY" — Shucks. Sometimes you have to live nearly a 
hundred years before you die and get your money. 

SKINNY — But look at Dan Y’'oung. He was insured last sum- 
mer, and two months later he got sick and died and his wife got a 
thousand dollars. 

StlORTY — {Thinks a moment) Well, that’s just one case. Be- 
sides, his cousin is the insurance agent, and he probably had a pull 
with the insurance company. 

BOBBY" — Did you find out anything yet. Shorty. 

SHORTY — Nothing much. I went through that box which is 
up in the rafters of the sum.mer kitchen. No clew there. There 
ought to be some other hiding place around the house where a fellow 
could look. {To Bobby) Is there any place in the house where you 
haven’t been ? 

BOBBY — No place but the garret. 

SHORTY — {Interested) The garret! How do you get up in it ? 
BOBBY — There is a trap door in the ceiling of my room. . But 
you can’t reach it without a ladder Besides Mrs. Slocum told me I 


36 BOBBY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 

wasn’t allowed up there. 

SHORTY — {Excited) Say fellers, we’ve struck it. That’s the 
place. Why didn’t I think of that before. That’s where we’ll find 
it. 

SKINNY— Find what ? 

SHORTY — Clews of course. All kinds of things. You can find 
nearly anything in a garret. Now to get up there. 

BOBBY — But Mrs Slocum said I wasn’t allowed up there. 

SHORTY — She never said anything to me about it. Nor to 
Skinny. You’ll go, won’t you Skinny? 

SKINNY — Mrs. Slocum won’t let us in the house. And we 
haven’t got a ladder. 

SHORTY — Oh shucks, that’s nothing. We’ll do it tonight. 
Wliat time does Mrs. Slocum go to bed, Bobby? 

BOBBY — We ail go to bed usually about nine o’clock. But I 
wouldn’t try it at night. Shorty. 

SHORTY — That’s the best time to do it, isn’t it Skinny ? 

SKINNY— I’ll say it is. 

SHORTY — Everything is just right for tonight. You see, 
Skinny’s folks are gone and won’t be home until about half past 
nine or ten o’clock. I am going to stay with him until they get 
home, then Skinny’s ma is going to let him go home with me and 
stay all night. On the way home we will borrow old man Moore’s 
ladder, then come here, climb through Bobby’s window, pull the lad- 
der up after us and use it to g"t up in the attic. 

SKINNY — I believe it will v/ork. 

SHORTY — If we hurry we can finish in time to get home by 
half-past ten. We ought to have masks. {Thinks) I know, we’ll use 
our handkerchiefs. Let’s see, I wonder where I can borrow a flash 
light. 

SKINNY — I don’t see why we have to wear masks, and have a 
hash light. 

SHORTY — Don’t you know that ail burglars have them. 

BOBBY — Gee, I wish I could get out and have good times like 
you fellows. 

SHORTY — Oh, it ain’t all good times. If ma should happen to 
find out about it, she will tan me proper in the moming, and then 
ni have to mind the baby all day. 

BOBBY — I wish I had a little brother or sister to play ^\dth. 

SHORTY and SKINNY — {Together, and in extremely sur- 
prised tone of voice) W-h-a-t-I 

SHORTY — Do you mean you would like to mind a baby? 

BOBBY — I’ve never had one to mind you know. 

SKINNY— Well, that explains it. 

SHORTY — Let’s not talk about babies now. We’ve got sorne-- 
thing more serious on hand. 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 37 

SKINNY — ril say we have. {Pause) It’s not so easy to 
burgle a house. 

SHORTY — {To Bobby.) Now tonight you stay awake, and- 
some time between ten and eleven o’clock we will come with the 
ladder, and I bet you we will find some clews. And while we are at 
it, I’d like to go downstairs and take a look at the inside of the 
house with my flash-light. I have never seen it. 

BOBBY — Oh no Shorty, I wouldn’t want you to do that 

SHORTY"— V/hy not? ‘ 

BOBBY — Because it is not right. You can come up to my 
room, especially as I know that you are coming, but it would be 
wrong for you to go sneaking through the rest of the house at 
the dead of night. Besides, if some one should catch you at it, 
they would think you were a real burglar, then it would go hard 
with you. 

SHORTY — Well, all right. We’ve got to go home to supper 

now. 

BOBBY — I sure appreciate what you two are doing to help me. 

SHORTY — Shucks, that’s nothing. We wouldn’t have to be bur- 
glars if Mrs. Slocum wouM tell you who you are. She’d never treat 
us like that, would she. Skinny. 

SKINNY — I’ll say she wouldn’t. I’d make her tell me. 

SHORTY — I wish I v/as her adopted son. I’d go up to her ana 
say {speaks loudly and sternly) Now see here, let’s talk business. 
Either you tell me right here and now 

MRS. SLOCUM — {Enters hurriedly. Very angry) You two 
boys go right home. I’ve told you often enough that I didn’t want 
to see you around here any more. {As soon as she enters and while 
she is speaking, the two boys slink off as fast as they can, Skinny 
left first entrance, and Shorty L. U. E. Mrs. Slocum turns to 
Bobby and says, not angrily) Robert, you’ll have to give up those 
companions of yours. It will have to be done some time. Now 
listen. {Impressively) After today they will not be allov/ed on 
this place, and you will not be allowed to leave the premises unless 
you promise to have nothing to do with those bad boys This is. 
final. Supper is ready. {Mrs. Slocum exits) 

{Bobby seats himself in settee and hides face in arms. After 
slight pause, ShoiAy enters L. U. E. and whistles cautiously. 
Bobby arises and looks up stage,) 

SHORTY — {impressively) — Remember, tonight at the hour of 
quarter past ten o’clock p. m. {exit) 


CURTAIN 


38 


BOBBY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 


THE THIRD ACT 

(Bobby^s room on the second floor of Mrs. Slocum* s house, seper^ 
ated by a partition from a hall-way at right of 
stage. Halhvay about six feet ivide. At end of hall, up-stage, 
there is an '^exit to right, j)vesumably to stairs. At 

first entrance, right, is an exit to Polly* s room, ayid opposite 
this exit there is a door, in 2^(J''>'tition, opening into Bobby* s 
room. Bobby*s room contains bed, dresser, 7vo.sh-stand and 
two chairs. Wash-stand equipped ivith hoivl, pitcher, splasher 
ayid towels. On dresser there is a lam]y, an alay'm clock, and 
such things as comb and brush, clothes-brush, etc. Suitable 
jnctures on the ivalls. Sash- cur tains on windoiv, ivhich is open 
shelving the tops of trees dimly in the moonlight.) 



{At rise of curtain Bobby is lying on bed, fully dressed, with feet 
hanging over edge. The room is in semi-darkness. Kero- 
sene lamp on dresser is lit, hut turned down low. A cautious 
whistle is heard off stage. Bobby goes hurriedly to ivindow, 
leans out and informs the boys that coast is clear. The top of 
loAder apjiears. After short pause enter Shorty and Skinny. 
They wear a red or blue handkerchief over face, 
tied heloiv the eyes. Shorty also has an electric flash-light. 
Bobby turns up light, omd Skinny and Shorty seat themselves 
on edge of bed, pull handkerchiefs down around their necks, 
and look around cvwiously.) 


BOBBY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 39’ 

BOBBY — {Admiringly) You sure did that job in great style.. 

SHORTY — {In off hand manner) Oh I don’t know. It was 
dead easy. There was nothing hard about this job. 

BOBBY — Did you have any trouble getting the ladder? 

SHORTY — Naw, Had a little trouble with the dog at first. 
Fido thought we were real burglars, didn’t he Skinny. 

SKINNY — I’ll say he did. But it was all right after he found 
out that we were friends of his'. He even wanted to go along with 
us. 

BOBBY — Oh gee, why didn’t you bring him along. 

SHORTY — Him a burglar? He’s too darned noisy. I guess 
he thought we were going coon hunting again. 

BOBBY — I’d give anything to go coon hunting next fall. 1 
never get out at night at a1I. I am about as bad off as a prisoner. 

SKINNY — I’ve read about prisoners making a ladder out oi 
the bed clothes and escaping from prison that way. 

SHORTY — {Excitedly throwing hack the quilts) Why there 
is enough here to make a couple of ladders. Let’s see {thinks) no, 
that would be too easy. I’ll tell you what — Skinny and I could 
make a rope ladder, bake it in a pie or something, and sneak it on 
the tray when they bring up your meals. 

BOBBY — But nobody ever brings me my meals up here. 

SHORTY — They would if you were a prisoner, wouldn’t they 
Skinny. 

SKINNY — I’ll say they would. 

BOBBY — But I’m not a prisoner. 

SHORTY — I mean — IF you was a prisoner. You see, first you 
could write a message on a piece of your shiiT or something, so we 
would know you was a prisoner, and tie it to your watch — 

BOBBY — But I haven’t got a watch. 

SHORTY — Anything will do. Then you throw it out of the 
window, and me and Skinny will find it and rescue you. Let’s see — 
{thinks) first we must manage to smuggle a file up to you, so you 
can cut through the chains. 

BOBBY— What chains? 

SHORTY — Why, you are chained to the bed post you know. 

BOBBY— Oh. 

SKINNY — What’s the matter with smuggling a small saw in 
his food, then he could saw off the bed-post and — 

SHORTY — Just the thing. And swallow the saw dust so as to 
hide all trace. 

BOBBY — Cut it out. Cut it out. Let’s get busy at the work 
on hand. 

SHORTY — Where’s the opening to the attic? 

BOBBY — {Points to o}oening) Right up there. 

SHORTY — {Gets under opening y measures the distance from 


40 BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 


floor to ceiling with his eyes, and looks over the furniture) Say 
fellows, ril tell you another way. First move the bureau over here, 
then put the wash-stand on the bureau, and the chair on the wash- 
stand. ril bet you we could reach it that way. 

BOBBY — What in the world would we want to go to all that 
bother for. It will be a whole lot easier with the ladder. 

SHORTY — ThaFs the trouble, it^s too easy. There^s no fun 
in that. 

BOBBY — ) ^ fooling. 

SKINNY— ) \ Aw, come on. 


(Boys go to windoiv and carefully pull in ladder and raise it to 
opening in attic. While occupied ivith ladder, they keep up 
continual conversation, consisting of ^vords of admoni- 
tion, advice, caution, learning, etc., such as: ^^Be careful nowf^ 

^^DonH let loose *^Pull it the other wayf^ ^^Up you gof^ ^*Look 
out for the lamjif^ etc. 

SHORTY — Let me go ahead with my flash light. Come on. 
{Boys exit through opening.) 

(Enter Ferguson, pi'csumably from downstairs. He comes down 
hall-way to front of stage. He has his satchel in hand. 
Knocks on door, right first entrance. Enter Polly) 

FERGUSON — Have you got your clothes packed? 

POLLY' — Just about. 

FERGUSON — Have everything ready, so that we can make a 
quick get-a-v/ay when I get finished downstairs. 

POLLY — I don’t believe I want to go after all. 

FERGUSON — (Impatiently) Why not? 

POLLY— I’m afraid. 

FERGUSON — Y"'ou can’t back out any more now. It’s too late. 
After you get away from here you will feel better about it. 

POLLY — It’s not that. I wish you wouldn’t bother that safe. 
I’m telling you for your own good. 

FERGUSON — Here I am trying to do you a favor, and get your 
money for you — 

POLLY — No, I never asked you to do that. I’ve asked you 
not to do it. If anything happens, you can’t say after^vards that 
you opened the safe to get my money for me, because it isn’t true. 

FERGUSON — We won’t argue the question. (Hurriedly looks 
at watch.) I haven’t got the time. I’m going down there now and 
open that safe, and then you are going to leave with me, and to- 
morrow morning we ^\ill be far away from here. 

POLLY — Once more I ask j^ou — 

FERGUSON — No. I haven’t got time to talk about it. 
(Pushes her into room) Quick. Finish your packing. Be ready 


BOBBY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 41 

when I call for you. {Kneels on floor, opens satchel, mnimages 
among contents, takes out revolver and a feiv tools and places in 
coat pocket. Closes satchel, arises, looks at Polly’’ s door.) I^d 
rather go without her — she’ll only be in the way. But she might be- 
come suspicious and raise an alarm. It won’t be hard to lose her 
in New York tomorrow. (Exits on tip-toe.) 

(Enter hoys* from attic ivith small wooden or jmste-hoard box. 
They place the box on chair at front center. Business of dust- 
ing hands and clothes, bloiving dust off box, etc.) 

SKINNY — (As boys open the box) I wonder what’s in it. 
SHORTY — I bet we find some clews in here. Say, just look at 
the stuff. 

SKINNY — (Takes out a feiv books) Story books for kids. 
BOBBY — (Takes them out of his hand) See whether there is 
' a name v/ritten in them. (Looks on title page.) Yes sir. Here is 
Something. (All look) To my loving nephew, from Aunt Cather- 
ine. I must have an aunt named Catherine. Gee, why didn’t she 
write my name down here too. Quick, look in the others. 
SKINNY— All the same. 

BOBBY — Catherine is a pretty name, don’t you think. I bet 
I’ll have a nice name too. Keep looking, we’ll find It yet. 

(Bobby and Skinny take quick cursory glances at title pages, then 
throiv books aside. Shorty picks each one up and examines the 
cover and every page carefully, like a. true detective.) 

SKINNY — Here’s a photograph (looks at it) of a baby. 1 
guess that’s your picture Bobby. 

BOBBY — (Gy'abs j^hotograph eagerly and gazes intently at it.) 
A little baby. 

SHORTY — (Coming over to take a look.) How funny, why it 
hasn’t got any hair, not a bit. 

BOBBY — (Offended) Well, that’s all right, isn’t it. A baby 
doesn’t start out with all of it’s hair from the very beginning, 
does it? 

SKINNY — (Reassuringly) Why of course not. At least I 
know that at first they haven’t got any teeth to speak of. 

SHORTY — (Apologizing) That’s all right, Bobby, I was only 
joking. It stands to reason that at first a baby just naturally 
don’t need muclT hndr. 

BOBBY — Well, let’s look further. It seems funny that these 
people didn’t have sense enough to write -my name occasionally. 
They might have known that a fellow would want to know who he 
was some day. 

(He has handed the j^hotograph to Skinny, who turns it over.) 
SKINNY — Here is something written on the back. (Reads) 


42 BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 

Photograph at the age of three months of my nephew — 

BOBBY — (Grabs photograph and reads) — of my nephew Louie 
Peepvogel. (Shoivs disappointment, and repeats in a small, tveak 
voice.) Louie Peepvogel. 

(Shorty and Skinny look at each other and smile. Bobby is right, 
Skinny center, Skorty left.) 

SKINNY — (Takes photograph from Bobby^s hands) Louie 
PeepvogeL 

SHORTY — (Takes photo) Louie Peepvogel. (Then repeats, 
pronouncing Peep in imitation of the peep of a chick) Louie Peep- 
vogel. 

BOBBY^ — (Snatches jjhoto from Shorty, and faces the boys. 
He is very angry.) What^s wrong with that name Pel like to know. 
IPs as good as yours any day. How would you like it if somebody 
made fun of your name. It was my father’s name, and I am not 
ashamed of it. 

SKINNY — (Apologetic) I wasn’t making fun of your name, 
Bobby, honest I wasn’t. I think it is a nice name. 

SHORTY — No, we weren’t making fun of your name, Bobby. 
I like it. I think it sounds real (thinks) real (thinks again, then 
quickly) re5l lovely. 

BOBBY — Shut up. (Pause. Then to Shorty) And it’s all 
your fault too. 

(Shorty seats himself dejectedly on lower rung of ladder. Skinny 
is idly looking at photograph arid books in box. Bobby seats 
himself on bed, elboivs on knees, head in hands. Short pause, 
then Bobby, looking uptuards, says dramatically :) 

BOBBY — Oh, mama, mama, why did you ever marry papa? 
SKINNY — (After a pause, very excitedly) Bobby, Bobby. 
Peepvogel isn’t your name after all. See here. 

(Bobby and Shorty jump up very quickly and crowd around 
Skinny.) 

SKINNY — See, here is another photograph of the same kid, 
and on the back it says: Photograph of my nephew Louie Peep- 
vogel taken a few months before his death. See, down below here 
it says Mrs. Catherine Slocum. This was some relative of Mrs. 
Slocum. This isn’t you. (The boys pound each other on the 
backs, and dance around in a frenzy of joy.) 

BOBBY — (Joyfully) I knew that couldn’t be my name. 

Louie Peepvogel — what a name. I wouldn’t have a name like that. 
SKINNY — Well, here either. We’re through with this stuh'. 

(Starts to replace things in box.) 

SHORTY — (Takes another look at photograph) If I’d had a 
good look at this in the first place, I’d of known it wasn’t you. 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 43 

BOBBY — That hairless, toothless, pugnosed kid me — (slams 
vkoto in box.) 

SKINNY — What say we get the other box. 

BOBBY — A.11 right. Wish we had some of those cookies. 

SHORTY — Let me get ’em. _ I’ll sneak down to the pantry 
while you fellows a.re getting the other box. 

FIOBBY — Can you find the pantry? 

SHORTY — (As he adjusts mask) What have I got my flash 
light for? 

SKINNY — Bnng a plenty while you’re at it. 

SHORTY — Don’t you worry. (Exits to hall and sneaks doivn 
stairs.) 

BOBBY — I’m kind of out of the notion of wanting to know wno 
I am. 

SKINNY-— What’s the matter? 

{The boys are gradually going up the ladder.) 

BOBBY — Maybe I ought to be satisfied to leave things the 
way they are. 

SKINNY^ — Don’t you want to know your name? 

BOBBY — I don’t know whether I do or not, after the narrow 
escape I just had. (Exit.) 

(Enter Ferguson hurriedly dov-n hall to front, looking back as 

he comes.) 

FERGUSON — Blame the luck. Nearly got caught. Somebody 
moving around downstairs. (Places satchel on floor. Takes things 
from pocket and examines hurriedly.) The money was there all 
right the way she said. Haven’t had time to look in this tin box. 
(Looks quickly in box.) Letters, photos, mining stock. Investi- 
gate tomorrow. (Puts articles in satchel.) 

POLLY — (Stands in doortvay.) Through already? 

FERGUSON — Yes. It didn’t take as long as I thought it 
would. But v/e can’t leave yet. There is someone moving around 
downstairs. Nearly got caught. Does Mrs. Slocum own an electric 
flashhght ? 

POLLY —No, why ? 

FERGUSON — Then it’s some one else This party downstairs 
has an electric flashlight, but he turned it ofF as soon as he hearu 
me. I don’t know why. We maneuvered around in the darkness 
and I managed to slip past him and come upstairs. Is there a 
way of getting out from up here. 

POLLY^ — Not unless you jump out of the window. 

FERGUSON — I’ll have to go down and investigate again. Is 
your satchel packed ? (Polly nods) Have it handy, and stand here 
at the door so we can leave instantly if I find that the coast is 
clear. (Places his satchel on floor at right. Exit quickly.) 


44 


BOBBY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 

POLLY — {Goes as if to stop Ferguson, rehums, tvrings hands) 
Miss Drew don’t turn up soon I’m a gonner. That may be hei 
with the flashlight. If she fails me I’ll be Mrs. Ferguson to- 
morrow in spite of myself. {Exits to her room and reappears im- 
mediately until her satchel, luhich is similar to Ferguson^ s. Looks 
ano:iously doivn hall, then places her satchel at the side of the 
other,) There is no use talking, I’ve been a fool, and I’m getting 
just what’s comingvto me. {Exit.) 

SKINNY — {Comes down ladder, looks around, then speaks up.) 
Shorty hasn’t come back with the flashlight yet. I’ll bring up the 
candle. {Gets candle from bureau and goes up ladder.) 

{Enter Shorty quickly down hall. Comes up front and pulls doivn 
mask.) 

SHORTY — Gee whiliikens, Mrs. Slocum nearly caught me. 
Nearly bumped into her once. Had to turn cut my light and 
thought I never would And my way back. {Sees satchels.) Two 
of them. {Places flash light in pocket a,nd picks up both satchels.) 
Gee, I’d like to be a traveling salesman and have nothing to do 
but ride on the trains all the time. Candy salesman, that would 
be the thing. I’ll go in and practice on Bobby and Skinny. 

{Shorty replaces Polly's satchel and carries Ferguson's satchel 
with him into room. At the sanne time enter Bobby and 
Skinny down ladder.) 

SHORTY — Say, fellows, I’m a clmminer. What do you want 
to buv? 

BOBBY — Where’s the cookies, that’s what we want to know. 

{They place box on chair as before, dust themselves, but 
seem to be interested principally in something to eat.) 

SHORTY — I nearly got caught dovm there. Mrs. Slocum 
chased me all over the house. 

BOBBY — {Alarmed) Is she awake yet? 

SKINNY — I’m in favor of getting out of here. 

SHORTY — What’s your hurry? I’m going dowm again in a 
little while and try to get those cookies. It’s dark as the dickens 
dov/n there. If it hadn’t been, I’d have been caught sure. Once 
she was so near me I could smell her breath And say, Bobby, I 
don’t like to say anything against Mrs. Slocum, but I bet she 
smokes cigarettes. 

BOBBY — Oh, no, Shorty. 

SHORTY — Well, that was a mighty suspicious breath I smelled. 
{Pause as he sees and examines a tag which is attached to box.) I 
bonder what’s written on here. {Throws satchel carelessly at side 
of bed.) Can’t hardly read it any moi'e. {Sloivly) St. Anne’s Or- 
phanage, New York. 


45 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 

(Pause as three hoys look at each other.) 

SKINNY — Wliat’s an orphanage? 

BOBBY — That’s where orphans come from. 

SHORTY — {Very excited) This is it. WeTe on the right 
track now. _ 

{They feverishly open box. Bobby slowly and carefully 
lifts a pretty baby dress out of the box, and holds it out in 
front of him. Pause ivhile boys scrutinize dress.) 

SKINNY — They sure dolled you up when you was a kid. 
BOBBY — {Extremely astonished.) What! This never was 
mine. I never was that little. 

SHORTY — You was even littler, because they had to get you 
inside of this. {Pause, then judiciously ,\) You wasn’t very big 
around but you was long as the dickens. 

SKINNY — Here’s a photograph. {Gives Bobby photo which he 
has taken from box.) 

BOBBY — {Gazes intently.) A little baby girl. 

SHORTY — {Looks over Bobbi/s shoulder.) Where do you get 
that girl stuff? That’s you. 

BOBBY^ — {In astonishment.) Well, I declare! 

SKINNY — Let’s keep looking We’ve got to find out what 
Bobby’s name is. 

BOBBY — {Seats himself on bed, ivith dress and photograph) 
Lets not look any further. I don’t want to know my name. 

SHORTY — Well, I do. If you don’t like your name you don't 
have to use it. You’ve already got one. While you are looking 
I am going dovui stairs again. {Puts on mask.) 

BOBBY — I wish you wouldn’t try it Shortj^ You might get 
hurt or something. 

SHORTY — I don’t care I’m going to investigate down there... 
{Exit) 

BOBBY^ — {Who has been examining baby dress.) There is some 
paper inside the dress. {Examines more closely.) An envelope 
pinned to the dress. {Detaches envelope and reads writing on 
envelope) To be opened and read by my son Robert when he has 
reached the age of reason. {Turns to Skinny) Have I reached 
the age of reason. Skinny? 

SKINNY^ — Search me. Open it and see. 

{Just as Bobby starts to open envelope a scream is heard, pre- 
sumably from doivn-stairs. Bobby and Skinny exit quickly up 
ladder. Enter hurriedly Shorty. Stops at right of hall.) 

SHORTY — Gee, I must have got into Mrs. Slocum’s room by 
mistake. 

{Another scream is heard. Enter quickly Mr. Ferguson, looking- 


46 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 

hack as he comes. As Ferguson comes down. Shorty, who still 
ivears a mask, points flashlight at Ferguson.) 

SFIORTY — Hands up. 

{Ferguson, ivho is startled, quickly throws up his hands.) 

FERGUSON — That danied detective again. 

MRS. SLOCUM — {Enters hurriedly) Help. Fire. Police. 
Murder. My safe has been robbed. 

(As Mrs. Slocum comes doum hall, Ferguson suddenly by a quick 
move jerks the flash-light from Shortifs hand, and after a 
very brief struggle collars him and holds him with his left 
hand, standing at left, Mrs. Slocum has moved doivn right, 
it'hile Polly, who has entered, stands back of the three, in the 
center.) 

FERGUSON — (To Mrs. Slocum, speaking rapidly.) Excuse 
me, madam, let me introduce myself. I am a detective, and for- 
tunately caught this fellow red-handed. 

POLLY" — Don’t believe him. That’s Shorty, and he wouldn’t 
do a thing like that. 

MRS. SLOCUM — {Removing mask from Shorty.) I don’t un- 
derstand what William is doing in my^ house made up like a burglar, 
but I suppose it is some more of his foolishness, which comes from 
reading yellow-backed novels and going to the movies, but I do 
know positively that he had nothing to do with robbing my safe. 
I know him too well. 

FERGUSON — You can’t always tell. See, here is the satchel 
he had. Open it. That will show whether he is the burglar or not. 

{Mrs. Slocum op>ens satchel, and holding it in her hand commences 
to throiv out various tvomen’s garments. Polly screams, 
quickly takes satchel and replaces her clothes. Ferguson, very 
much amazed, also tries to take satchel, and looks around for 
his own. Shorty, ivho has been released in the excite- 
ment, exits R. U. E. Polly, standing betiveen Ferguson and 
Mrs. Slocum, faces Ferguson.) 

POLLY — How dare you — you detestable crook. This is the 
man who robbed your safe Mrs. Slocum. He said he wanted to get 
my money for me. I was a fool, I corresponded with him, wro'e 
things I shouldn’t, never expecting to see him, and when he came 
out here and called my bluff I didn’t know what to do. Now he 
has stolen your money and Bobby’s and it’s all my fault. I told 
him where the door of the safe was hidden. 

FERGUSON — {Cool, with a sneering voice.) I’ll admit that I 
am a crook, and a poor one too, for being such a fool as to waste 
my time on a little one-horse job like this. At that, there seems to 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 47 

be a more clever crook than I am in this house. I went to the 
trouble to open the safe, but someone else gets the swag. Whoever 
it is, he is welcome to it. There is just time enough to catch the 
midnight train, and I’m going to catch it. Good-night. 

{He turns to go, but is intercepted by Miss Dreiv, loho steps up to 
center, Polly goes into her room, Mrs. Slocum right, 
Fergusoyi stands left against door leading into Bobby^s room.) 

MISS DREW — {Has a revolver in hand) Don’t be in a hurry,. 
Mr. Ferguson, otherwise known as Smooth Eddie. My boss has 
been looking for you a long time. Before you go I will have to 
search you. And then I will accompany you to New York. 

FERGUSON — You will not. Do you think I will allow myself 
to be taken to New York by a female detective. I’ll take a chance 
on getting shot first. 

MISS DREW — {Raising revolver.) You will take more than a 
chance if you don’t do as I say. {Sharply) Hands up. 

FERGUSON — {Looks around wildly for a chance to escape. 
Sees door leading to Bobby* s room. Standing luith his back to 
door, he holds up his right hand, and takes hold of door-knob 
with left hand.) I never did have any use for a female detective. 
Another thing, I don’t think you’ve got the neiwe to shoot, and I 
don’t think you could hit anything if you did shoot. So go to tne 
devil. 

MISS (Sharply) Stop. 

{But F ergusn has quickly piished the door open, slipped inside and 
closed the door. Miss Dreiv tries to folloiu him, but Fergit- 
son leans against door to prevent it being opened, while he 
looks about the room. He sees the ivindoiv, and then sees his 
satchel. He smiles. He takes his time while he sets himself 
for a quick run. Miss Dreiv is still exerting pressure on the 
other side of the door. Polly has entered, and she and Mrs. 
Slocum are standing behind Miss Drew. Sudddenly Ferguson 
leaps towards the satchel, grabs it, quickly goes to ivindow, 
and prepares to jump. Miss Drew steps a feiv feet inside of 
door, levels revolver. Mrs. Slocum and Polly enter also.) 

MISS DREW — {Very sharply.) Stop or I will shoot. 

{Ferguson hesitates. M s. Slocum grabs Miss Drew*s right arm 
and pulls it doivn,) 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Pleading) Don’t shoot him. Miss Drew, 
please don’t. I don’t want blood shed in my house, besides he was 
going to teach me how to drive his car. 

(Ferguson leaps through ivindow.) 

MISS DREW That fellow never owned an automobile. He 
came here directly from New York by railroad. 


48 


BOBBY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 

MRS. SLOCUM — {Releases Miss Drew and faces audience. 
Vehemently) The disgraceful liar. (Miss Dreiv runs quickly to 
window, looks doivn, then returns slowly down stage.) Well, aren^t 
you going to do something. Go catch that liar — then shoot him. 

MISS DREW — Calm yourself, Mrs. Slocum. It^s too late to do 
anything now. I couldnT catch him if I tried. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Are you going to remain calmly here and 
allow that base deceiver to escape with the contents of my safe ? 

MISS DREW — Don’t worry. He will not escape. There’s a 
man waiting for him dowm the road. 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Sees box on chair, also ladder.) Goodness 
gracious, he has been up in the attic too. (Then notices that bed 
is not occupied.) Where is Robert. (Getting hysterical.) Miss 
Drew, Polly, Robert is gone. Oh, he has been kidnapped. 

POLLY — (Puts arms about Mrs. Slocum.) Please don’t, Mrs. 
Slocum. We’ll find Bobby again. 

MISS DREW — Don’t worry, Mrs. Slocum. He hasn’t gone far. 

MRS. SLOCUM — These are his things in this box. Do you 
think he has found them and mn away ? Oh, Polly, I couldn’t stand 
it to lose him. 

POLLY — Don’t worry, Bobby wouldn’t run away. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Miss Drew, I believe now that I was too strict 
with him. I held him do'svn too closely. He is such a manly young 
fellow and I tried to make a mollycoddle of him. Miss Drew, if 
you’ll find Bobby for me again. I’ll give you everything I possess. 

MISS DREW — S-h-h-h. (Mrs. Slocum and Polly look at Miss 
Dreiv.) I thought I heard a noise in the attic. 

(All three reinain perfectly still, gazing intenty towards opening 

leading to attic. After a slight pause. Skinny's mask falls 

through opening to floor.) 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Slight scream.) Oh, there’s a desperado up 
there. (Mrs. Slocum and Polly, ivho are very much frightened, 
huddle together with arms about each other. Miss Drew walks 
resolutely to ladder and produces revolver.) 

MISS DREW — Come on dovm, whoever you are. The game is 
up. (Afer a short jmuse, enter Skinny slowly down ladder.) 

MRS. SLOCUM — Why, it is Julius. 

MISS DREW— Well, if it isn’t Jules. 

POLLY — Oh, it is only Skinny. 

(Skinny grins sheepishly. He is frightened and embarrassed.) 

MISS DREW — Is Bobby up there too, Jules? 

SKINNY— I’ll say he is. 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Goes to foot of ladder.) Come on do'wn, 
Robert. Everything is alright. 

(Enter Bobby. He has baby dress over one arm, and opened let'- 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NA:vTE 49 

ter in his hand. When he reaches the stage he turns and is 

embraced by Mrs. Slocum.) 

BOBBY — {Tearfully.) Mother forgive me. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Robei-t, you weren’t going to leave me, were 
you. You didn’t intend to run away, after you found your things? 
{She says this in a pleading tone of voice, as ivith one arm about 
him, she leads him to center of stage.) 

BOBBY — No. I will be only too glad to remain here if 
you will continue to let me stay. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Surely I will, Robert. I see you have found 
the box containing all your things with the exception of a few 
papers and letters which I placed in my safe and which have been 
stolen. I should have given you these things sooner. Robert, I 
have never really understood a boy’s heart. I have been hard on 
you, I have held you down too closely, but it was done wdth the best 
intentions. I love you Bobby, and whatever I have done was meant 
for your good. 

BOBBY — Mother, don’t talk like that. I have been ungrateful. 
See, here is a letter widtten to me by my other mother who is dead. 
She speaks of how hard it was for her to leave me all alone in the 
tv^orld, without relatives, without money. And in this letter she 
tells me that if any good person was kind enough to give me a 
good home, feed me, clothe me, and give me an education, I should 
be thankful every day of my life, I should be grateful and should 
try to repay their kindness in part by obedience and good behavior. 
Mother, after reading this letter I feel ashamed of myse'’f. If you 
will forgive me, I will from now on try to do better and I v/ill be 
satisfied to bear the name of Slocum all my life. 

MRS. SLOCUM — {Takes Bobby in her arms.) I love you 
better than ever now. I know that from now on we two will get 
along just line. And there is another matter — I will admit that 
I have never really believed that William and Julius weren’t good 
boys. I know better than that. I merely didn’t like their rough 
ways. But after this William and Julius are as welcome here as 
the President of the United States would be. 

BOBBY’’ — {Delighted turns to Skinny) Did you hear that. 
Skinny. 

SKINNY"— I’ll say I did. 

MRS. SLOCUM — We will put your things away again, this 
time in your dresser drawer where you can have them mth you 
all the time. But I have a curiosity to know your real name. 
What is it, Robert? 

MISS DREW — Don’t you know. 

MRS. SLOCUM — No. The Sisters offered to tell me, but I 
was so anxious to think of him always as my own son, that I did 
not wish to even know his tnie name. Tell me, Robert. 


50 


BOBBY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME 
BOBBY — I don’t know either. 

MISS DREW — Doesn’t your name appear on any of the ar- 
ticles ? 

BOBBY— No. 

MISS DREW— How is the letter si^ed? 

BOBBY — The letter is signed “Your loving mama.” She calls 
me Robert, but there is no other name anywhere. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Yes, Robert is right. I retained your first 
name. Your other name is in the little tin box. If they should 
fail to capture that reprobate, I ^vill never forgive myself. 

(Miss Di'eiv and Polly go to her consolingly. Enter Shorty. He 
has Ferguson^s satchel He comes doivn hally pauses to throw 
out his chest, then throivs door oj)en and enters Bohby^s 
room ivith big strides. While all on the stage are observing 
him with astonishment, he places satchel on floor, throivs out 
is chest again, brushes imaginary dust off his clothes, and 
says in bragging tones:) 

SHORTY — Gee, I sure had a hard time getting this satchei 
away from Ferguson — 

MISS DREW — Let me have the satchel, William. (Takes it to 
bureau. Polly and Bobby also go there, all anxious to see contents, 
of satchel. Skinny is sitting quietly in chair by window. Mrs, 
Slocum is center. Shorty right. All pay attention ivhen Shorty 
begins his recital.) 

MRS. SLOCUM — Oh now everything is all right. We have 
Polly’s and Robert’s things back. And best of all, we will now learn 
Robert’s true name. William, you are a brave boy. Tell us how 
you managed to get the satchel from Ferguson. 

SHORTY — (Clears his throat.) Well, it was this way. I 
knew I had a desperate character to deal with, so I — 

MISS DREW — Just a minute. William, we are all proud of 
you, and personally I think so much of you, that it would hurt me 
if you spoiled it all by stretching the truth even a little bit. There- 
for I will give you a chance to start your story all over again. All 
light, go on. 

SHORTY — (Clears his throat nervously, squirms a bit, then 
says quickly and gruffly.) I was cutting across fields for home 
as fast as I could, when I run across a great big Irishman and this 
man Ferguson. Ferguson had hand-cuffs on, and the Irishman was 
searching Ferguson’s pockets. The big Irishman said he was a 
policeman from New York and whether I was the detective who 
was helping Miss Drew. I said yes, and he said take this satchel 
to her with the compliments of Tim Murphy, and I said all right. 
I guess that’s about all. 

BOBBY — Mother says you can come over here whenever you 
want to ShoiTy, and we can play together. 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 51 

SHORTY — If maw finds out about this, Fll have to play with 
my one-year old kid brother for the next week or two. 

MRS. SLOCUM — {To Miss Dreiv.) Uo you find everything- 
there ? 

MISS DREW — {Who has openjid satchel.) Yes I think every- 
thing is here. There are a few packages of bills, also the tin box. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Yes, that contains Robert’s papers, also some 
mining stocks. I have never opened the box, as the Sisters told 
me the contents had no value. 

MISS DREW — They were of no value at that time, but on ac- 
count of changed conditions the price of those stocks has gone up 
tremendously. 

MRS. SLOCUM — How do you know this? 

MISS DREW — The detective bureau by which I am employed 
at times was asked by the Sisters to trace Robert, so you could be 
informed of the value of the stocks. They were afraid the stocks 
might be destroyed or lost, or sohl for little or nothing to some 
unscrupulous person who knew their real value. They are woi'th 
thousands of dollars. 

MRS. SLOCUM — 1 don’t know anything about these things. 
Should I keep them or sell them for Robert. 

MISS DREW — Sell them irnm^ediately, and invest the money in 
something more conservative. 

MRS. SLOCUM — I will attend to the matter the very first 
thing in the morning. But we haven’t found Robert’s name. 

MISS DREW — Yes, I am anxious to know what it is also. It 
ought to appear on the stocks. 

(.l/?’.s.s Drew opens up one of the sheets, covus to cen- 
ter ^ holds to one side of the sheet, Mrs. Sloriirn take^ hold of 
the other side, while Bobby stands betn-een them. They nU 
eagerly look at sheet, then look at each othe)‘, regis- 
t e ) in g sm ’p ris e . ) 

MRS. SLOCUM — Can that be possible. 

MISS DREW — Stranger things have happened. You are surc^ 
he is no relative. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Absolutely sure. I have so few relatives, 
that I can count them on the fingers of one hand. 

BOBBY" — I don’t understand this. It savs here Robert Slocum. 
MRS. SLOCUM— Yes Robert, a most }‘emai*kable coincidence. 
It seems that your true name is the same as my own — Slocum. 

BOBBY — What a relief. For a while this evening I thought 
my name was Peep vo gel. 

MISS DREW — Well, everything has turned out lovely. We 
can thank Polly for all this. 

POLLY — -Oh no. {Goes to rnght.) 

MRS. SLOCL^M — What did Polly have to do with it. 


52 


BOBBY WHAT'S-HIS-NAME 

MISS DREW — Well, really you were the indirect cause of it all. 
MRS. SLOCUM — I? I don’t understand. 

MISS DRE¥7 — In the first place, you would not permit Polly 
to have company. Polly then foolishly began corresponding with a 
stranger, who comes down here and robs your safe. If your safe 
had not been robbed — 

MRS. SLOCUM — (JnLe7'7i(/pfmg) Yes I know. Polly, does 
Jerry Snow still wish to call on you. 

POLLY — {Eagerly) I don’t know, but I can find out. 

MRS. SLOCUM — No, don’t do anything that would be un- 
maidenly. But if this Mr. Snow, or some other nice young man 
of the neighborhood asks to call, you have my permission. 

POLLY^ — Oh. thank you. 

MRS. SLOCUM — I think it is high time for all of us to be in 
bed. Whlliam and Julius can let the ladder remain here overnight, 
and Bobby will help to return it in the moming. I will accompany 
you and pay Mr. Moore for the use of it. I will also call on the 
mothers of William and Julius and explain tonight’s happenings 
and ask them not to punish their boys this time. 

POLLY^ — Has anybody a lead pencil ? 

SHORTY’' — I believe I have one. (Fech in hw pockets) 

POLLY" — I’d like to borrow^ it. (Shoi'ty gives her a peyicil 
about one inch in length.) Goodnight, everybody. 

MRS. SLOCUM — Are you going to write something tonight 

yet ? 

POLLY — Y>s, I thought that if I wmote a note to Mr. Snow' 
now', Bobby coidd take it to him the first thing in the morning. 

MRS. SLOCUM — (Shocked) Polly, you surely are not going 
to invite Mr. Snow' to call? Vvait until he asks you. 

POLIA’’ — I am not going to ask him to call. He told me once 
that he w’ould loan me some of his books to read, so I thought I 
would ask for one of them now. He surely wull bring it over 
tomorrow' night, but that is not asking him to call, is it? 

MISS DREW — Certainly not. That’s the w'ay those things are 
usuahy done. 

POLLY" — Thank you I alw ays thought so, and I w'ill now 
quickly go, to w'rite a note to Jerry Snow', and tomorrow' night I’ll 
have a beau. 

MISS DREW — Listen to that. Poetry w'hile you w'ait. 

POLLY^ — Y"es, poetry comes natural w'hen you’re happy. (Exit) 
(Skinny ' comes down stage and stands with Shorty right. Bobby 

and Mrs. Slocum are standing center.) 

SHORTY — Then you could be a poet too, couldn’t you Bobby? 

BOBBY^ — I sui-e could, for w'ith you tw'o as my friends, and 
w'ith my new'-found mother, I am the happiest bov in the W'orld. 

CURTAIN 


WHY PAY ROYALTY? 

The following article appeared in the Catholic Amateur Stage 
department of the Catholic Tribune of Dubuque, Iowa, Sept. 22, 
1918: 

‘‘Some clubs will not put on a royalty play on account of the 
fee, while others put on such plays but refuse to pay the required 
royalty, preferring to change the name of the play and taking a 
chance at “getting by.’’ 

“In our opinion both kinds of clubs are acting unwise, while the 
second club is cheating besides. This opinion may be new and 
startling to some, but we feel certain we can prove our point. 

“In the first place, those dramatic clubs are unwise who refuse 
either to produce royalty plays or to pay the fee if they do produce 
them, because it is only through paying a fair royalty on a good 
play that a capable author can be induced to use his talents to write 
plays. It takes a first class man or woman to write a first class 
play, and such a person ought to have a first class pay for his work. 
If he cannot get it by using his talents as playwright, he must 
get it by employing his talents at something that will pay. There 
is no getting around this fact. No first class man or woman under 
present conditions could hope to successfully use his play writing 
talents for the amateur stage and make a living. His plays would 
either be boycotted and not produced, or he would be cheated out of 
his fees through dishonest methods used by clubs to avoid paying 
royalty. This condition of affairs jn a great measure accounts for 
the scarcity of good plays. Not everyone can write a good play, 
nor can a good play be ordinarily written by working on it at odd 
times. So the solution to the problem of getting good plays for 
the amateur stage depends partly on paying capable playwrights a 
living wage. This living wage can only come from numerous pro^- 
ductions of their plays with the royalty fee honestly paid. There- 
fore, if we are sincere in our protestations of wanting good plays, 
we must if we act wisely both produce good royalty plays and pay 
the fee. If we refuse to do so we either don’t mean what we say, 
or we are not wise. We cannot expect to get something worth 
while for nothing. If the amateur wants first class men to wwite 
first class plays for him, he must be willing to pay a living wage. 
Also remember that the of toner a play is produced and paid for, 
the lower royalty fee the author can demand and still receive a 
satisfactory wage. 

“It is much easier to prove that a club which produces a royalty 
play without paying the fee is dishonest. “Every man has the 
right through the natural law to the fruits of his brain or of his 
labor; for if a thing owned by a man fmctifies for him, how much 


more must this be true of his internal faculties, than which nothing 
can be more his own property.” Therefor the author of a play has 
a strict natural right that no one produces his play without his per- 
mission, and under conditions placed by the author. If anyone 
does produce such a play without the permission of the author, or 
his agent, such a person is in justice bound to restitution to the 
author according to the damage done. 

“In civil law the case is just as strong for the author, and 
those who propose to cheat the author and dishonestly produce his 
play, show by the precautions they take and the trouble they put 
themselves to so as not to get caught that they know they are act- 
ing against the law. 

“Do you agree with our opinion on this question of royalty 
fees? If you do not, let us hear vour opinin.” 


